Random Insanities

Blues

2008-11-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

I am never getting married. It's not even the 'marriage' part i want, so much as the really kickass party afterwards where everyone gets to dress up and you get presents.
I am depressed. I want a new dishwasher! And 14 sets of wineglasses! I want a platter that I will never use! Or a cappacino machine!
Damnit.
How long can I date this new guy before I convince him to marry me so we can get cool stuff?

Potpourri aka I lost count of the sheep

2008-11-09T00:17:00.000-08:00

Time for another edition of:
I CAN'T SLEEP SO I WRITE RANDOM THINGS THAT I NOTICE!

-Sliders is probably the best damn show ever.
-Never take a nap at 830 at night. Unless you want to be sitting awake and alone in your depressing livingroom contemplating driving to the grocery store to buy chocolate chips in order to make some cookies which could possibly waste an hour and make the apt smell good.
-Don't drive to the grocery store at 230am unless you have your wallet.
-Don't start giggling manically when you realize that you have forgotten your wallet while standing at the cashier at 230am with $50 worth of stuff that she now has to put away. They don't like that.
-Don't decide to take your puppy for a walk at 3am. He thinks its time to play then and will not go back to sleep.
-Don't take your puppy for a walk at 3am until he is a grown, scary dog. Crackheads thrive in darkness. They have magical powers that make them stronger. And throw things.
-It's better to run when a crackhead throws something at you than yell back. They don't like that.
-When you finally realize it would be a good idea to run, make sure you have a good grip on the puppy's leash. Otherwise you trip over the damn dog and land on your head.

SO IN CONCLUSION:
Always keep ice on hand for when you accidentally fall over a damn dog and bang your head while being chased by a crackhead because you needed something to do other than bake cookies due to the fact that you forgot your wallet and didnt realize it until standing at the cashier at a ridiculous time in the morning.

The Tale of Two Cities (crackhead edition).

2008-11-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in a far away land lived a beautiful princess. She lived in a mediocre apartment in a mediocre neighbourhood. This princess minded her own business and could often be found gathering flowers in the meadow and singing to the birds.
One day, the great and awesome princess smelled something funny in her hallway. Far from being racist, the princess thought it must be coming from one of the apartments that houses a family which comes from another far away land where they cook strange smelling food.

This was not to be. The smell got worse and worse as days passed and the princess often was gagging as she came home from a hard day of painting Easter Eggs. The amazing and superbly dressed princess then ran into a tiny goat who often visited an apartment across the hall from the princess. He visited there quite often to purchase illegal vegetation and manufactured substances. He told her the the dirty and nasty neighbours had a dog that had passed away.
The princess was sad to learn that. The goat finished by telling her that the disgusting and drug addicted neighbours had placed their beloved pet onto the balcony for eternal rest.
The princess then understood where the smell was coming from. She also understood that her neighbours must not be that educated in the ways of death and biology. Or febreeze.
After pondering this situation, the intelligent and frankly sexy princess contacted the owners of the building by carrier pigeon.

They immediately raced to the apartment on gallant white steeds decorated in tinsel and christmas lights and took away the poor canine in appropriate burial attire. It was black and said "Hefty" on the side.

The princess was so happy that she went to the nearest pub and celebrated with a pint of lager and eventually went home to nicer smelling hallway.

The End.

By request

2008-11-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

The new little muffin I have been seeing has so far been perfect. I am about to wax poetic. So anyone who doesnt want to read about me mooning, I suggest you just pass along. Though knowing me this will somehow turn into a post about pudding as I digress quite often.

The only problem I am finding with him right now is his complete and utter lack of self worth. Now, it could just be a ploy for more compliments ("Oh, I wish I looked like her! Sweetie, arent her tits so much nicer than mine?"...."No. You have the greatest breasts ever. No woman's could possibly compare to the beauty that are the fat sacks housed in that very expensive bra."), or it could be an honest lack of judgement as to how great he actually is.
I find that the more you brag about yourself, your accomplishments, the less likely you are to be a decent person. Those people have a low self-esteem as well but feel the need to compensate by shoving in your face the trophy they got in Grade 7 for winning 'Best Cow'. (Cheater McFucknuts actually still has it and brought it out on occasion....).
But those who truly feel like they are not worth anything are often the ones most worth something.
It took me a long time to realize my mom was messed up and her telling me I was worthless was not entirely true.
So I am left in this odd position of how to deal with it. Do I encourage? Compliment? Or should I just leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself? No one realizes anything about themselves unless they do it themselves. (Kind of like a weird Dr. Phil alcoholism).
This entire post is somewhat odd in the fact that I feel insecure about him. Here is this really amazing person and I am just plain old me. I am weird and moody and tend to get pissy about random things. So I am being an all over hypocrite by even typing this.
I like pudding.

JINX!

2008-11-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

Its going to happen...
I need to stop talking about this guy. How awesome he is and such. Past history confirms when I talk about it, something horrible goes wrong. And he is just too perfect for words right now. We both love hawaiian pizza. Its either love or God is playing a really mean joke on me. Like that time God asked me why the chicken crossed the road and I said :"To get to the other side!". He laughed and then killed all the chickens in the world. It was a mean joke. I like chicken.

I got a new cell phone! Which is exciting enough except THIS cell phone I want to make sweet. sweet love to. I want to have its babies. I want to marry this thing and grow old together. It does everything! It wakes me up when I want it to and it calls people and sends messages and it plays songs and makes tea and pancakes in the morning! It turned off the bathroom light when I forgot! It folded my laundry!!
I only had to sell my soul to Bell for another 3 year contract. Or a 2 year contract. I am not entirely sure. I kind of ignored that part. The cell was shiny you see and full of magical lights.

Hey! Wow! Umm...Yay!

2008-11-04T04:21:00.000-08:00

He showed up! AND we had a great time. Well, I had a great time. He may have just pretended he did because he noticed that I am one scary chickie who would kick his arse.
New problem though:
I am insecure!
And how could I not be? EVERY single guy I have ever dated has cheated on me. And not in the cool way, in the way that makes you feel small and ugly and insignificant. (See Cheater McFucknuts posts and anything..oh say....ever since I started this damn blog).
Yes I know, you've only been seeing him for a short time, just have fun and why worry?
Holy Crap! Have you people learned nothing about me? Worrying is what I do best! I took the gold in the Worry Olympics hosted by Madrid Spain back in 19 aught diggity 5.

Something that has been bothering me lately:
What on Gods freaking Earth is with those toe socks? I hate those things. They look uncomfortable and they only seem to come in the colour of 'annoying stripes'. Do toe socks somehow imply that our feet must be regarded in stripe form? Does it make them look thin? Or faster? Are you cool now because I can distinguish your baby toe from your "this piggy had none" toe? Oooooh baby oooooh. Thats so sexy...Let me..take off your sock..one toe...at ......a .......time...oooooooooh yeah. You like that? You dirty girl..........

Adventures in Dating 2

2008-10-29T05:26:00.000-07:00

So being single I did what every single girl would do. I joined a dating website. Well, in actuality I had joined it a long time ago (see post something around here where i bitched about that too) but decided to try it again.
After wading through the "easy-going and laid back" guys, after weeding out the ones with no shirts on, after ignoring the ones where they claim their interests are "hanging out" and "fun". I found someone who seemed entertaining.
Problem one: he is really young. Not like "hey wanna trade pokemon cards" young, but young enough.
Problem two: well, there wasn't one.
We chatted in the way it is supposed to go. Got to know each other and eventually made plans to meet up. He didnt show. And then after finding out there was a good reason we made plans again. And he didnt show. Okay. I am a sucker for punishment.
Long story short, i am at a loss as to how to proceed. We made plans again for tomorrow. I think I will honour those, however if he doesnt, I will jump on my horse and ride off into the sunset looking for eternal youth and a tree made out of candy.

My question is: How desparate am I for company that I am willing to put up with this? Its not just him. I seem to have a habit of giving people a second, third, fourth chance when they really dont deserve it. Am I an optimist? God no. I think I am just so damned lonely that I will accept all sorts of insults and such just to be able to think I have something worthwhile.
Is Dr. Phil doing a show on this anytime soon?

*I would like to point out that this guy is really hot. I mean holy crap, let me each sushi off of you hot. That may have something to do with it. In fact, it probably has everything to do with it. I am a sucker for the yummy guys.

Adventures in Dating

2008-10-29T05:16:00.000-07:00

I met a great gentleman over the summer. Funny, smart, attractive (if a bit squishy around the middle, but hey, who am i to judge?), good job, nice hair blah blah blah. The best part about him was he recognized my awesome-ness. We started dating. Things went well.
Until I went over to his apt the morning I was going back to school...and found him in bed with another girl.
Clothes on? Check.
Sleeping? Check
Me throwing a very hot coffee? Um...check!
His response being insensitive? Check!
Apparently since nothing happened and apparetnly since he is an 'adult' and capable of sleeping in the same bed with someone and not having sex, I was over-reacting.
Me? Over-react? Okay yes normally. But in this case I figure it was warranted.
That was the end of that.
Except I am still angry.
Mostly at the turn of events that led that little skunk bag "Susie" to think that was okay to do. (Of course I am mad at him, but I feel like bitching about her).
What on earth happened in her life to give her such low self-esteem that she feels the need to 'sleep' with other girls' boyfriends? The best part is afterwards I found out she had actually had the sex with 2 of my friends' boyfriends. What a classy girl.
I do believe the next time I see her, I shall taunt her with witty retorts and insult her parentage.

Hey! Another update!

2008-04-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

I got the engineering job. And because of those damn secretaries (not Administrative assistants, screw you, you are a freaking secretary) I have to wear girl clothes even though they are completely impractical for my job. It wouldn't be fair to the secretaries if they have to dress like ladies and I dont. Fuck I hate women sometimes.

The light flirtation was going nicely, unfortuanetly 2 people who I have not seen in 3 years decided to tell him some interesting and very untrue stories about me. As he considers them friends, he believes them. His loss.

I got a second job working that the same place as Cheater McFucknuts. So this shall be one entertianing summer.

The crackheads across the hall got into a Royal Rumble a few weeks back that consisted of him beating her up outside my door. So of course I called 911. I had visions of me grabbing a knife and flying out my door to her rescue, her being so grateful she gives me a lot of crack which i proceed to sell to elementary school students and get a name for myself. Something cool like :Flash or Dagger. But I digress. By the time I had formed a coherent plan, the police were already here.

One of these days I will have enough time to actually recount all of the entertaining things that have transpired over the past month. Like the goth guy who got dreadlock extensions and a girlfriend who wears a backpack that looks a racoon. Or the really hot guy in my program that knows i will do anything for him in the hopes I will eventually be able to touch his penis.

All I do are updates

2008-02-15T19:30:00.000-08:00

Haven't felt like writing much lately. School is hell.

-tattoo looks better. There was a while there where i was worried. Damn thing got so scabby you could ski on it.
-experienced my first cyper-psycho. I belong to a messageboard and this chick had everyone drawn into her web. Was discovered she made everthing up (including the death of her best friend and a fellow poster). People are weird.
-getting much better on the fiddle. I can play "Whisky youre the devil". Sort of.

Okay, here's the problem, I am like a gazillion years old and i met someone way younger than me. We are having a light flirtation and i am enjoying it immensely. He is very literate and well-spoken, which is odd in itself as i havent met too many of those at his age. I am too embarrased to actually say anything to him because i dont want him to think i am a creepy cougar. If he was even 2 years older, i wouldnt have a problem.
But alas, I am a victim of the socio-stratum that encompasses us all. (I am trying to use my Liberal Arts as much as I can here people. Work with me.)

Oooh! I have a job interview with a very nice engineering firm in 2 weeks. Which is perfect. 2 weeks is just enough time to worry myself into a state of goo.

I JUST called the police on the meth-head who lives across the hall. I am expecting bad things to happen tonight in retribution. Though one wonders how much retribution a meth-head can muster up. He will probably think of something really outrageous and completely impractical. I fully expect that i will wake up tomorrow and find a house of matchsticks blocking my door.

Hee hee

2008-01-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah, thats right. I finally got a tattoo. The only one I will ever ever get. That bugger hurt worse than........well getting kicked in the ass by a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
I will blog more on this when I am not wanting to rip my skin off.

potpourri # purple monkey canteloup

2008-01-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

-Urgent Care centre should be called :"Please give me pain medication even though I am perfectly fine!" or "I am a welfare mom and need to have someone pay attention to meeeeeeee" or "There is nothing wrong with me other than being a huge hypochondriac. Does this look infected to you?"
Though in retrospect, those titles are probably too long.
-My "fuck off" bubble which I have PERFECTED over the years to deter people from trying to talk to me, is somehow being counter-acted by the metal in my crutches. (Not having taken chemistry ever, I can only suppose at this. It seems a valid hypothesis though). Perfect strangers feel the need and the right to ask me what happened to my knee. I have a stock response of :"There were ninjas. Long story short, Herpes suck." This generally makes them leave me alone.
The other annoyance I am getting is people making random comments about my injury. If I hear "I wonder what the other guy looks like!"* one more time, I am seriously going to break out of this PC mentality and retort all sad-eyed :"I wouldnt know. I was mugged and this is one of the injuries I was left with. But thank you for your concern."
-People are rude assholes and wont hold a damn door open for me. I KNOW they see me. THEY know I know they see me. And yet they pretend they don't so they won't have to hold the door open for 3 freaking seconds. These people make Jesus cry I swear to God.
-If you are fat, stop buying clothes sizes smaller than what you are! I am left with no clothes to choose from and you end up looking like a German sausage. That is not attractive. Fat rolls are not attractive. I don't care if your friends and family said you look great. They are a bunch of festering lying douchebags. They laugh at you behind your back and call you names. It makes them feel better that you are fat and dressing like a dumbass. Is that what you want? To make everyone else feel better?
I thought not.

*Ohh and they say it like no one has ever come up with that before. So witty. So.....witty.

The Bee's knees.

2008-01-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

The old group got together this past Saturday for a time filled with bubbles and rainbows and most probably, massive amounts of alcohol. Far be it for me to be a party-pooper. I grabbed my bubbles, my rainbows and proceeded to drink more tequila than was necessary.
Now, the tequila may or may not have been a factor in the events to follow.
I needed to go outside for a smoke, but there was a stupid chair in my stupid way. So, i use my good leg to step on it (weight bearing and all that) and swing my bad knee/leg over it. I go to put my bad one down and don't you know....I caught my knee-cap on the back of another stupid chair. Which I would like to point out, had no good reason to be where it was. All in my way and such.
So I immidiately thought I was going to vomit, from the intense pain mind you. But, Mexico came to the rescue in the form of more tequila so I honestly thought I was fine. A little damaged, but I will survive.
The next morning I wake up and GOOD LORD WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY KNEE?????? *sigh*
So I drag my arse up to the "Urgent Care Clinic", a misnomer if i have ever seen one and proceeded to sit and wait for 3 hours. I now am on crutches with an app't to go see a surgeon type person in a few weeks. Which is great because the ER wouldn't perscribe pain meds and my doctor won't either unless I drive 2 hours to go see him. Which I can't. Because I broke my knee.
So I am out of lovely yellow pills and I sit here, in pain. And it's all that stupid chair's fault.

*My tattoo app't is in 1.5 days! I am ridiculously nervous about this.
* The so-far normal guy is still pretty normal. So I am thinking something is wrong. Chances are he will realize what an unbelieveable weirdo I am and decide to randomly place chairs in my way to thwart my advances. Damnit, it will work too.

Adventures in Dating. Part 1 sigh

2008-01-15T04:17:00.001-08:00

Because I know there will be more than one installment. How sad is that?
That date I went on last week-ish, the one I had such a good time on? Well the guy is completely ignoring me. I find this funny. I think he is embarrassed about it. He will talk to me as long as it is about anything BUT the date. I still stand by my impression that he had a good time too, but alas, I think the age was such a huge factor for him, that he couldn't contemplate my awesome-ness.
I am getting my very first tattoo next thursday, so no dating for a bit after that. I will be too sore.
Met a "so far" very cute guy on POF. He seems normal and he seems funny and he seems to be intelligent. I reserve the right to change this opinion based on past experience. POF is not the epitome of easy dating. If I get one more bad haiku, I am seriously going to shit in my hand and throw it at someone.
Saw a "comfy looking" girl yesterday. (I have decided "comfy looking" is a lot more PC than hugely fat). She was wearing bright purple velvet pants. And was leeeeaaaaannnning over a printer in the computer lab, showing about 2.5 inches of ass crack. It was sexual. Okay, it really wasn't. It was quite disgusting. She had on a belt, which i cannot understand. Perhaps she is unaware of what the purpose of one is.

Best wishes go out to Brooke and Joe for the (early) birth of their son! I finally gots me a baby to cuddle. And also Haley, who is going through a sucky-patch in life right now. I am sending her virtual candy.

K Srsly.

2008-01-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

Jon and I went shopping at the mall last night. I owe Moody O'Selfish quite a bit of money but after having an internal dialogue, decided to instead, spend said money on new clothes. Screw him, he called me a whore.
Anyway, Jon was desparately hungry so our first stop was the E.coli rodeo, I mean the food court. We sit down to eat and HOLY SHIT! There are EMT's everywhere! And a stretcher! And security guards!! What the hell is going on? Has there been a shooting? A heart attack? Is a lady giving birth RIGHT HERE? Is someone bleeding profusely everywhere?
No.
A lady is hyper-ventilating.
In the word's of the immortal LOL cats....srsly.
The King EMT tells her she had an anxiety attack.
Here are my thoughts on this:
-If there is ever a place to have an anxiety attack, it should be in the most pubic place you can find so as the most amount of people staring at you will be achieved.
-You should exaggerate everything in the hopes that maybe you will get a free Orange Julius out of it
-Make everything seem worse to maximize the potential of the story to your friends and family.

what a downer

2008-01-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

So i owe Moody O'selfish money and i call him to get his address to mail it. Seems pretty okay right? Holy shit no!
S:So you went on a date
M;Yup. Had a great time
S: Was it with someone from school?
M:Sort of, I met him in the cafeteria awhile ago. We're not togather anymore so i asked him if he was still interested. He said yeah so we went out.
S: So all that crap you gave me about how you werent chasing anyone at school and how i should trust you is all bullshit.
M: Um no. I didnt do anything while we were together. I only asked him because we are not together anymore.
S: Well the opinion I always had of you hasnt changed.
Click
The fucker hung up on me!
And implied I was a whore. Because might i add that he was constantly making references to it when we were together. Hence the "opinion he has always had of me". Why do guys suck so much? Geez.
I am offended he pulled a 14 yr old aversion tactic of hanging up instead of discussing things like a rational adult. And I am amazed at his audacity (thanks for the word nadine) to accuse ME of being a slut when he was the one having an emotional online affair. Arg! It is so hard for me to be eloquently verbiose right now. I am admitting in front of all three people here (Kathleen, ikin and random portugese guy who wants to give me "hugs all over blog") that i never cheated on him. I dont cheat.
Man, I am so unbeliveably angry right now. What a loser. I cant believe I wasted even a though on this guy.
Here's my list. That one you are supposed to do to remind yourself what a jerkass the person is.
-moody
-derogatory
-adequate at sex. And adequate is being nice. Unimaginative and selfish there too.
-ooooh selfish!!!
-messy
-basically just treated me like crap. Completely screwed with my self esteem and made me feel like i wasnt good enough

Screw him! I am much too pretty and awesome to waste any more time on him.
Aaaaaah. I feel much better now. I believe I shall have an alcoholic beverage and complete the night by doing what a new friend of mine suggested. Dressing in black and getting all 'emo'.

3 cheers for me!

2008-01-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

I had a "date" last night. I have no idea if it was a real one. I am thinking not, but either way it was exactly what i needed. Saw the movie I am Legend. Which wouldnt have scared me so much if we hadn't of been sitting 2 feet from the screen and it wasn't so damn loud. Oh and if buddy beside me hadn't of spilled his entire pop in my vicinity. It is hard to be stoic in the face of danger and fright when your socks are soaking with pepsi.
Went for some drinks after. I had my standard tequila and gingerale. Why do people look so grossed out and surprised when i order it? Geez, it's no more disgusting than half of the other shit out there. I have a slight headache, though one may assume it's from only getting an hour of sleep and not the magical mexican liquid we all love.
I do feel a bit creepy. He is only 20. Which is why I am torn. I mean Holy Shit Go Team Me! for landing a 20 yr old! But, he's freaking 20 and I am....... slightly older. Not cougar older, but older enough. But I figure that guys do it all the time and when have I ever been one to give a rats as anyway? I get so little happiness that if I can get some with a puppy, then why the hell not?*
And boy was it fun. *sigh*
And the super best part is not once during the entire night did I think of my most recent ex. I have also been negligent in giving him an appropriate name. Hmmmmm, lets see. He did do some awfully nice and sweet things for me. But unfortunately his selfishness kind of overwhelms it. Moody O'Selfish. There we go. The S-man shall henceforth be referred to as Moody O'Selfish.
So then anyway, how nice was it for me to get home and realize that not ONCE did he cross my mind. I think that maybe the last time he dumped me really prepared me for the latest one. He obviously is wishy-washy. And being out with Hottie Lol-alot mad eme realize how much laughter and fun was lacking when i was with Moody. I was always so on edge with him. He found fault with whatever I did. It was nice to just sit and laugh.
Wow. Did I get maudlin there.
Oh well, fuck it! I am in a great mood. Gonna have some leftovers and hit the sack for a nap.
I need it.

*Disclaimer: This justification may not be to everyone's tastes.

And now for something completely different!

2008-01-05T08:44:00.000-08:00

Well not really. As usual I am just complaining about my life. But I do it so well.
-Have a co-op interview by phone on wed which i am super nervous for. I have never done a phone interview and I really really want this job. My usual tactic to take is I walk in there and don't particularly care if i get it. Because I know there are a lot of other useless jobs out there for me. And of course because I act as such, I inevitabely get it. But this one! Ohhhh this one! This job is like sunshine wrapped in roses with a bow made out of rainbows. So with thei sttitude I probably won't get it. And the fact that Jon said he wouldccall them up and tell them i am addicted to crack. He is funny like that. Wait, I mean cruel.
-Have still not won lotto 649. And am terribly depressed at this. I almost want to go out and try to get hit by lightning to increase my odds.
-All of my son's sea monkies died while we were on our 'vacation'. He is oddly depressed at this and cried for quite awhile. The only thing that cheered him up was the promise that we would go buy more. He said a quick prayer for them as they were being disposed of. I found it touching and funny at the same time.
-Jon got me chocolate for Xmas. At least I think they are chocloates. All of the wording on the box is in some made-up language. I think it's Belgian. I had one and it tasted nutty. But they reminded me of something. Back in the day my step-grandma would have, in the washroom, a bowl with shells in it. Once, in one of my weirder mood days, I picked one up and licked it only to discover it was chocolate. I was thrilled! Chocolate in the bathroom??? Why hadn't more people thought of this? So I proceeded to emaciate the bowl over the course of the next few days. My grama seemed pretty surprised that these shells, which had previously gone untouched for years, were all of a sudden disappearing. (I would love to admit that I was younger, but in fact I was around 15 and should have known a lot better).
Fast forward to a few years ago when I watched an episode of Oprah where some muckity-muck was explaining that if you dont close the toilet lid when you flush that all of those little poo and pee germies went swilling up into the air and landed on every available surface. Of course I then remembered the chocolates and immediately became severely grossed out that I had eaten what is essentially poo chocolate. Was still quite yummy nontheless.
So here I am trying to eat these lovely chocolates Jon purchased for me and all I can think is how much I would love to put them in my bathroom on display. I have learned nothing!
-Have spent some quality time on a certain dating website since I have come home and am startled at the weirdness of it.
I do not claim to be a beauty. But I do know that I am a cute chickie. So I am confused as to why these welfare looking and ill-educated degenerates keep messaging me. I mean, I am well aware of what I can get man-wise. I know what my range is (attractive scale of 7-9. I could not possible hope to get a ten. I am not that good looking). I have so far recieved some very odd poetry, an awful haiku, some very bad jokes and one e-teddy bear.
I am also very young looking for how old I actually am and am amazed at how many guys who are roughly the same age as myself look like they could be my father.
On this note, if i have not mentioned it before, what is with bragging abut how you are in some band? Am I supposed to be impressed? Wow! You can play a musical instrument adequately! Good for you! Let me throw my panties at you! And "hanging out" is not an interest. It is remarkable how many people list this as an interest.
I am very much intrigued by the first 2 lines of a profile. I find that those 2 simple lines is how you define yourself as a person. So if you immediately mention you are a scorpio, that worries me.

Merry Freaking Xmas

2008-01-05T08:34:00.001-08:00

It hurts me to even talk about this but I figure perhaps it can be therapy.
The boyfriend was excited about me going back for my holidays (3 weeks). After 3 days he decided that he needed to dump me and leave me completely in the lurch with many things. No place to consistently stay, no vehicle to drive around now, no way to eat etc. I would spend 2 nights at one friend's house, then 3 nights at another, then 2 nights back at the other's. It was awful in it's entirety. I had to get my one friend to drive my ass around and clean and babysit so I did nto feel like a burden to them. Ugh. I hate men.
So I suppose my major complaint is: Why is it that people in relationships don't understand that an emotional affair is still cheating?
The now ex-BF was having a continuous conversation with 2 girls that was wholely inappropriate for a guy in a relationship. And one of the girls was in one also. (Yes, I did something very very wrong here too. I am aware of this. I read his personal conversations without his permission. In my defense, if it is even possible to have one, is that I knew something was up and no matter how much i tried to discuss it with him, he would slough me off. I have ben cheated on by every single guy i have ever seriously dated, so I am paranoid).
When I am with a guy, I respect all that entails. I do not flirt with others, do not carry on inappropraite conversations, and i certainly am not physically involved with anyone else. Obviously if i like the person enough to be with them, I should respect that.
So why is it that I seem to be the only person who has this idea? He claimed to like me and yet would sit there and tell her how wonderful she is and how her BF doesn't appreciate her and how she can do so much better. (Implying of course that HE is the one that could assist her with this quest for utopia).
When I confronted him after about it I asked: "So the point of that? Is the the thrill of the chase? The fact that she might dump her BF of x years for you? The fact that if she does that somehow validates you as a person and fixes your screwed self-esteem?" He had no reply to that. I then mentioned that obviously if she did leave her BF for him, that he would always be wondering if she will do the same to him. With good reason. One who is in the habit of searching for greener grass will always be searching.

potpourri # radical 9

2007-12-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have been ridiculously lax with the blog in the past month. Updates are required you demand! Far be it for me to deny the public what it craves.

-Barely making it through school.I have made an early new years resolution. Next semester I will actually go to class and do my homework on time. (Though it does make me wonder as I only attended Health and Safety 3 times and those were for the tests. I managed to get an 86%)
-Realized the teachers I hate now, I am stuck with for the next 2.5 years. Its not like Libs where I never go the same one twice. So I must suck it up and learn to "kiss ass". Have been looking for a Dummies book to assist me in this.
-BF and I still okay. (I think). Though he has gotten mucho moody lately and I constantly feel like he is going to dump me.
-My wee lad has come out with several lovely tidbits of information recently, the one today being: "Mom! I know what Jesus' last name is! Crime! His name is Jesus Crime"
Which frankly I found pretty cool if not entirely accurate. Think of how many people would be Catholic if his name WAS Jesus Crime. Fighting the devil in a snappy leotard and cape.
-Decorated the apt for the holidays and it looks as if Santa himself vomited in here.
-School done on Friday, which I am severaly grateful for. I needs a break. All this engineering stuff makes my brain hurt. I mean, who freaking cares if I forget to underline the heading? Or put the arrows in a counter clockwise direction? Well, my one teacher does! He is like a chart nazi. Purging the world of unaesthetic surveys. He and Jesus Crime should team up. Imagine what they could do!!
-Dumbass from class, finally dropped out. Thank the Lord. He was amusing though. What with his 3 alternating t-shirts and constant need to leave class and anounce why.
-Stopped talking to my mom again. I think this time for good. That woman is nuts. Also got into a fight with the only sister I speak with. Don't see me speaking with her any time soon either. My sister in law took it upon herself to yell at me too. I would like to think that I am blameless here, but I know I am not. But nor will I take all the blame which is what they expect me to do. For a bunch of people who have no concern for my or my sons well being, they certainly have a lot of advice as to how I am screwing up my life.
-My friend's baby due date is slowly appoaching; making me very happy to have a lttle one to cuddle again. Mine doesnt let me. *sigh*

I will admit here though, in front of all 3 people who read this, that I was wrong. I thought the hoochies at school would have moved onto the jogging pant look by now. They have not. They are still wearing the most inappropriate clothing for the weather and socialization of a college.
It was -a billion the other day, with a dump of 20 cm of snow, winds gusting to 70km, blowing said snow around, and these weiner dogs are wearing mini skirts, and 'cute' hats and mittens. The kind that make their head look sexy but won't keep their heads warm? Yeah, i cant describe how sexy these ladies look with ice stuck to their legs, hair frozen and bright red drippy noses. Oh Baby Oh Baby!

potpourri #jesus fish

2007-11-01T04:15:00.000-07:00

So today is the big day.
The day where I have to stand in a very cold field and survery for 3 hours. Then go to computer class, then to a 4 hour test which i am not prepared for.
Ah, the joys of post secondary school education.

I saw a girl yesterday at the college wearing a dress made out of duct tape. I am not sure how this relates to halloween except that she must have been looking for a reason to wear it. Too bad she didn't pick a Christmas party. The colour was more appropriate for the season.

Also saw a girl dressed as 'emo' with fake cut marks on her wrists and carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye.

Have resumed elevator travels, though with the thought of always being trapped again in mind. I won't get on if there are more than 2 people. And not if they have on perfume.

Large sinkhole in the middle of downtown london. It is the size of a swimming pool. The powers that be have already started pointing fingers forgetting the rule of 4 pointing back at you when you do that. They are blaming the government for not allotting more funds to fixing ths kind of crap.
I wonder, could this particular sinkhole have been averted with the funds from the metal trees they decided to plant everywhere?
Oh you heard me. Metal trees. They make the downtown core look forest-y without the hassle of having to care for REAL trees that provide shade and oxygen. You remember oxygen? That stuff we need to breathe?
Bright side!
As we lay dying in the streets from lack of clean air, we can gaze upon the purple monstrosity that is a 'tree'. While thinking about taking a swim in the sinkhole.

Heard a bus driver on a rant yesterday. I was just about to get on when I heard him bitching to a fellow driver. Apparently a glass bottle was loose on the bus and finally smashed at one point, right near the front. According to the driver those people on the bus were a bunch of: welfare degenerates who are blind as well as ugly.
So you can imagine what i was expecting to see when i got on.
Damned if he wasn't right. That was the ugliest group of people I have ever seen congregated in one spot. And yes, as far as superficialities go, they did look welfare-y.
The bright side?
It's not often I feel i am the best looking person in the room/bus. But I was yesterday! Like Elle freaking Macpherson. If elle macpherson was poor and had to go on the stupid bus.
Understanding his frustration, its not like he can stop his route to get up and pick up a loose bottle that any number of those uggo's could have. And because of that, there was smashed glass all over the handicapped spot. So he did have to get up and clean it.
Lesson here: When travelling with a bunch of neanderthalic-looking dregs of society, don't expect them to do anything other than sit there with a look of self-entitlement on their faces.

Trapped in an elevator

2007-10-30T04:23:00.000-07:00

I am going to try and stick to the actual story here. It was an awful day all around and this incident may have been flavoured with my bad mood.
First! I am horrible in social situations. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not good with new people, stupid people or people who smell.
Second! I am an impatient bugger. When it comes to travelling I like to be where I am or where I am going. I do not like the in between.

Since my car had broken, Nana was nice enough to travel down here to pick us up and drive us back to K-town for the weekend. After I had picked up my wee lad off the bus, she met us downstairs and we got on the elevator.
Which proceeded to get stuck between floors.
Old lady:
Freaked out and stated hitting the buttons as many times as she could. I asked her not to do that as there was no point. She hit the alarm button which was working intermittently. I retrieved my cell phone to call the super and had to ask her to please stop whacking the alarm button while i was on the phone TRYING TO GET US HELP. After she glared at me and after I got off the phone, she returned to whacking it as often and as hard as she could. The super yelled at her to stop, that she knew we were stuck and to calmly wait.
She complained about her laundry, which she was sure someone was going to steal. After we had been stuck for about 15 minutes, she reached into her purse and got a pen. Trying to jam it into the door and pry it open, just proved that she obviously had taken no physics classes and had no idea about why there was a security latch on the door to begin with. I explain to her that prying the door open is a really bad idea.
Smelly lady:
Sat down after about 10 minutes. It was a good idea so the wee lad and i joined her. All of a sudden I hear a phlegm-y cough and look over to see her spit in her hand. (I may add that she is an obvious immigrant). She squints her eyes and peers at her hand very intensely. The offers these pearls of wisdom:
Ve vill be rescued in.......20 minutes by a, no two dark haired men.*
Wipes her spitty hand on her pants and look very impressed with herself.
She must have noticed the look of horror on both my and the wee lad's faces. She exlains that : Vhere I come from , this is magic

Did I just see that? Did this lady just hock a loogie in her and then read our future????
What country is this that she comes from???
I do not ever ever want to go there for a visit. It must be the grossest place in the whole world.

Mother-out-law:
Surprisingly, the least of the evils. I would have thought she would have been the one to almost make me want to electrocute myself. She was remarkably calm and awesome. Just goes to show that when trapped in an elevator, sometimes people dont suck.

So after sitting in the elevator for longer than should be humanly possible, we are finally rescued. Spending that amount of time in the company of a twit and a freak, my wee lad and my mother-out-law was enough to make me completely bi-polar.

This was the single most screwed up thing that I could possibly imagine happening. If i am ever trapped in one again, I shall look back on these memories with fondness and revulsion. Because how else do I want to remember the ethnic part of my adventure?

*My very white superintendent let us out.

Deep Thoughts

2007-10-24T05:03:00.001-07:00

After my car died I have yet again experienced the joys of the London public Transit system.
I had to go to the mall last night for some last minute birthday stuff, and it finally occurred to me what the bus smells like.
I have, over the course of my bus travels, always detected an undertone of something. A' je ne sais quois' if you will. I have many a time tried to pinpoint exactly what the odour is to no avail.

But last night, I think I did it.

It's as if "Welfare" went to the "Sense of Entitlement" Restaurant and ate something bad and got a good case of the "Absence of dignity" bug.

The London Transit system smells like the absence of dignity.

*One would think that the absence of something could not possibly have a smell. One would be wrong.

Sex and Prunes

2007-10-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

I just went grocery shopping and I saw the cutest thing.
2 people, older than God, were canoodling. I say canoodling because it sounds appropriate when describing 80 year olds making out in public. At first they were holding hands when i occasionally crossed them in the aisles. They ended up behind me in line and the gentleman started nuzzling her neck. She giggled like a little girl and the cashier and i both smiled. Then, I shit you not, the lady grabbed his bum.
At this point, I am thinking......weird. They must not be married. No couple married that long acts like that in public. Most old people i see are cranky and pissy all the time. From bursitis or whatever it is that old people get. So I figured that either or both of them are married, but not to each other. This is their 'dalliance'. They go shopping for prunes and ovaltine together.

Another lady, and i hate to use the term 'low class' but it applies here, was out with her friend shopping. They pretty much followed me on my trek and I learned these things about her:
-she can only eat roma tomatoes cuz the other kinds give her gas (produce)
-she has a bad shoulder so she had to get anyone in her vicinity to reach stuff for her
-her daughter is in school for nursing and she thinks its a waste of time (medicine aisle)
-her cat is shedding hair like crazy (pet aisle)
-she is lactose intolerant and doesnt like the soy milk (dairy)
-she just got her check in and thinks she is getting ripped off by her case worker (check out)
All these things were said loudly and in great detail. At one point she ran into me with her cart. When i yelped she looked at me and continued on talking about her cat. She was dressed in 1980's. Very chic.

My car is completely dead now. I have to go and gather all my shit out of it and get a wreckers to come and pick it up. I have learned very valuable lessons from this. I spent $2500 on it one year ago and was told it would last for at least 3 years. In the past year i have spent about $1500 fixing crap on it.
-don't trust people when they say "Oh its a great car! Will last you long time!"
-When the radiator blows up it smells really bad and things start smoking
-when your struts and cv joint go, the car shudders and it feels like the wheel is about to fall off.
-if there is a leak in the exhaust, the car smells like ass
-I cant live without a car. The transit system blows and cabs smell funny.

potpourri

2007-10-11T03:57:00.000-07:00

-still happy with the S-man. (Is that a good code for him? S-dawg? Prince-"finally realized how awesome I am and is building an ark in my honour"? Hows about just Sam. He shall henceforth be known as Sam, unless he does something that really pisses me off)
He went to the strippers again last night. Since he msn'd me at 130am, i can only assume he had a good time. Maybe he met some hot stripper and decided he wants her more and ditches me for a pair of DD's and a weave. I have no self esteem. Its sad really.

-cat is still weird. No dead animals yet. She has gotten back into her old habit of hiding things. She hid a certain something of mine that made me very cranky for a few days.

-had turkey dinner with Sam's family. They are the nicest looking family I have ever seen. Polite too. I felt uncomfortable and intrusive. But Sam did a good job of sticking by me and not letting me hide out. He kept introducing me as his 'friend'. He kept emphasizing that i was his 'friend'. At my age, the term girlfriend sounds really grade-9ish, but I didnt fancy the 'friend' title either. I am going to give this considerable thought and come up with a term that makes me happy. So far I have come up with Goddess. "Hi mom, this is M, my goddess"

-freaking cold now which makes my survery class a pain. We have to tromp around in a field for 3 hours. Did i mention my shoes are broken? If it is even slightly wet it goes into my feet and stays there all day.

- I now know 5 songs on the violin. I am learning at a fast rate, but my fingers arent strong enough to make it sound good.

-My super friend is expecting a baby in February and I cant wait. I am really excited for her. Mostly for me. I get to buy baby clothes again. On one hand baby clothes are really cute, on the other they are a little creepy. Being so small I feel like a giant. Like a friendly giant who makes me dolls sit in wee tiny rocking chairs while i play my recorder.

When I grow up I wanna be this guy!

2007-10-11T03:38:00.000-07:00

Yo Homey
-This guy has 3 t-shirts. Black, white and blue. We have started taking bets on which one on which day. He is a tall and skinny white guy. Very white. His pants hang down on his knees and the shirts are huge on him. He is a fairly stupid boy and if attends class, causes so much commotion as to be very entertaining. I think he has ADD as he cannot sit still, nor can he shut up for more than 2 minutes. He has interupted the teachers so many times to ask them random questions. "Where is my book?", "When's the next test?"
In survery class I was chatting with my 2 partners. I found him staring at me in a very creepy manner.
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Huh?"
M:"Why are you staring at me?"
H:"Cuz ur talking"
M:"Yeah, well I am not talking to you, so if you could please not stare at me that would be great"
H:"OH! Ur one a those bitchy chicks"
M:"Well, I am usually a bitch when someone is staring at me for no good reason"
H:"Time of the month eh?" *looks at my partners and winks conspiratorally at them. They look baffled and slightly afraid. They keep glancing at me*
M:"Mmmmmm. Really. Well, I will tell you what. Hows about you stop staring at me, and I will go over here and make fun of you quietly instead of to your face. Deal?"
H:"Fuck you"
At this point my 2 partners grab me and hussle me away.
They both noticed that he was staring at me in a creepy manner but did nothing. They said they figured I could handle myself. On one hand I feel great knowing they think I can handle jack-offs myself. On the other hand, I want to be rescued dammit. Go punch him in the eye and look majestically around. Let me fawn over your super muscles and praise your courage. I want to be a goddamn fairy princess with sparkly hair and a heart of gold! I want a fluffy pink dress and a white pony! Someone rescue me for fuck sakes.
Apparently girls who swear like sailors and act like guys ( ie burp and then laugh maniacally) does not bring forth feelings of gallantry.

How did this guy get into college and I feel very good knowing that he wont be around next semester. If he is there is somethign seriously wrong with our educational system.

East Indians have super hearing

2007-10-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

So one of my computer teachers is a lady.
I have no idea what her religion/race is, but she wears those long flowing dress thingers and a scarf-y thinger on her head.

So after she came over to answer a question I had, I watch her walk back to the front of the classroom. I then turn to K who sits beside me and whisper:
M:I dont think she should be teaching computers if she is illiterate
K:What? how do you know she is illiterate?
M: Well, she obviously didnt read the 4 million signs around the college asking people not to wear perfume because of allergies. I mean, fuck, how much of that does she spray on?
K: hahahahahahahahahaha oh shit, I think she heard you

I turn around and there she is 20 feet away GLARING at me.

How the hell did she hear me? She has a scarf thinger covering her ears AND she was 20 feet away AND i was whispering!
I can't hear shit if i have my hood up on my coat. That lady should trade her stuff in and get a spandex suit. With a sparkly pink cape.

Math class #1

2007-10-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

Now this is retard math. I swear. We learned this shit back in grades 9-11. And yet somehow, these guys (fresh out of high school) are still having problems.
Could it be the teachers thick accent? It could. He pronounces denominator....dee-numerator. And algebraically...algi-brickly.
Or could it be that most of these guys are used to being the center of attention?

Today:
Prof: Please, guys, there are 94 of you in class. I am here to teach you. If you have problems with your test results, make an app't with me. I can't spend valuable class time explaining what you did wrong.
Retard#1: Yeah, but all I wanted to know was how to get the answer for #4 on it.
Prof: Like i said. Even if i gave every one of you one minute of class time, it would take 2 classes! Look online for the answers, and if you still have a problem, come see me after.
Retard#2: Well, I get that, but how are we supposed to go to the next unit if we dont understand where we went wrong?
Prof: Because this IS a new unit. We are learning something NEW. It has nothing to do with the last unit.
Retard#1: I agree with retard#2! I want to know how to fix our mistakes.
Prof: I know! But I am sick of this conversation. Now onto algi-brickly expressions.
Retard#1: Okay then, how would i have solved #4 on the test algebraically?
Retard#2: Yeah!
Prof: Question 4 asked for 1/4-1/8. It has nothing to DO woth algebra.
Retard#1: I don't think you are a very good teacher. My teacher back in highschool would have helped.
Prof: In case you havent noticed you are not in highschool. If your old teacher was so good, call him up and ask him to help you figure out your poor test results.

During this whole conversation, the rest of us are hooting and hollering, telling the Tard twins to shut up, and getting overall annoyed.

My cat just ate 3 q-tips. I technically should have made her stop, but i was curious as to how many she would eat.

Haley's request

2007-10-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

Lets see:

-My little sweetie decided that he missed me too much and needed to have me back. Could not possibly live without me. The sun stopped shining when i was not around. Birds pooped all over his car and he never won at scratch tickets. You may not be able to tell but my self esteem is feeling okay right now.
-Going back home for thanksgiving
-started to learn the violin. I can play 3 songs now. Jon says they all sound like Old McDonald. Neither of them are Old McDonald.
-My wee lad lost 2 baby teeth

And now onto the cat.

Somehow having her uterus pulled out gave her new and more unusual habits than before. She is dragging plastic bags around the apartment and then when she gets tired of it, will crawl into them and fall asleep. Nothing more has died, that I know of anyway. She very well could have buried them somewhere and they will appear on upcoming episodes of CSI.

Part 3

2007-09-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning. Went over to the computer and turned it on
In my peripheral vision i noticed something out of place to my right.
I look over
I see a dead bird
On my livingroom floor
Mangled with feathers strewn all over
"huh" I said and turned back to the computer
Logged in
Thought to myself: "bird"
Looked ot the right again
and realized that i had a DEAD BIRD IN MY APARTMENT

Immediately got super grossed out

And realized my cat was more pissed off with me than i thought

I am afraid of what it will be next and where she will put it

I live in fear of a 5 lb cat and her type of street justice

Part 2

2007-09-18T03:53:00.000-07:00

They told me to keep my cat calm. How in tarnation were they expecting me to do that? My cat is a spaz. Either way, I had the best sleep of my night last night. No yowling. It was wonderful.

She is not doing anything except hiding and sleeping right now. Took me forever just to find her cowering under my bed. I think she is pissed at me, for which i do not blame her.
If someone shoved me into a crate thing and forced me to get my uterus pulled out without asking, I would be pretty darn pissed off too.
I get pissed off that I am forced to brush my teeth everyday. I mean, I ain't kissing no fools, who cares if i have fuzzy slippers on my bicuspids?

Ramblings & a cats' uteruses (or is that uterii??)

2007-09-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

okay let's see..what's new, what's new.......*looks around and picks nose*

-Well, i am officially the only female in my program of 93 guys. That is somewhat disconcerting. I believe that Liberal Arts education of mine should come in handy with trying to figure these little fuckers out. That or i can just throw some porn at them and watch the hilarity ensue.
-I am coming down with a cold. Thanks a lot Jon, you suck.
-I am out of osap. But i did manage to pay the cable compnay enough that i should be turned back on soon. (In time for Heroes!!!)
-Going to the Sens game on tuesday with Jon. If this cold wrecks my experience in any way you will be able to recognize Jon because he will be the man with no testicles. Oh and he will have on a Sens jersey.
-Oj Simpson has been arrested. Thats good news. He can share a cell with Michael Vick and talk of times long past. I wonder which of them would be the bitch? Aren't female dogs bitches? Then i suppose by irony alone, Vick would be the bitch.
-I just sneezed again. This is not looking good. If anyone has any suggestions about how i may get revenge on Jon, I would really appreciate them.

My cat is getting fixed tomorrow! This may sound like something odd to get excited about , but if any of you have ever had to try and sleep through that 'yowling' that they do, you will understand that for the abscence of a very sharp knife, i would have cut her uterus out myself.

She has this thing where she will sliiiiiiide up to you and start molesting your foot. Its quite creepy. And if you pick her up and throw her across the room so hard your arm actually pops and gets sore? She will just come right back on over and start doing it again! If you move three feet to the left, she will just sliiiiiiide with you. If you lock her in the closet and try to ignore her for a few days, well, she will just yowl louder until the neighbours think you are practicing the violin. And when you let her out? She looks at you and laughs! And then sliiiides over.
If you accidentally kick her in the head trying to move her? She just comes back again. If you kind of throw her not on purpose mind, off the balcony and onto someone else's hoping they will have to put up with her, she will find her way home! If you throw her into a bathtub with a toaster? She comes back as a horny zombie and sliiiiiides over to your foot and starts molestng it again! True story!

So hopefully tomorrow the great and powerful Oz-vet will fix this whole problem. And I shall yet again be able to enjoy a full night's sleep. And wher the only yowling you will hear will be mine.

vrooooooom!

2007-09-14T06:02:00.000-07:00

A record $100 million dollar fine goes to Team MacLaren of some sort of racing thingy. They were using leaked secrets from Ferrari. Doesn't that sound dirty? Espionage is alive and well today Ladies and Gentlemen.

I have no idea what any of that meant. I read it in the paper and I though I would comment on it. How the hell do you pay a $100 million dollar fine? Can you do it in installments? Can you put that shit on your credit card? Or just an overall IOU. And who exactly gets this money? Is it Ferrari? I dont think so. Chances are it goes in to the fat cats' pockets; Or so I have heard.

Now I have never met a fat cat, but i imagine he would have on a dandy suit. With a pocket watch. And a vest. He would wash his hair in caviar and eat children for breakfast. His mother would feel neglected becasue he hasnt made it to Christmas in 7 years and she pines for grandbabies but knows she will not get them because he is so important.

I am seriously going to rip my nose off

2007-09-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

In the elevator yesterday and a gentleman joins me. Immediatley my eyes water, my throat burns and my nose starts dripping. He noticed my discomfort and asked if i was okay.
To which I reply
"Dude, how much of that shit did you put on? God!"
With a very calm and disinterested look:
"Oh I'm sorry"
Obvioulsy not sorry enough to get off the elevator jerkass!
If I was asthmatic I would have had an episode right there. Right there on that dirty ass floor. I would have turned blue and clutched my throat. I would have been gasping for breath, reaching towards him for some sort of help, pleading with my eyes. I would have died with the smell of Polo clogging my trachea.
And he would have calmly looked at me and said
"Oh I'm sorry"

la la la la la la lala I feel pretty oh so pretty

2007-09-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

Okay
I was trolling around the campus of my college yesterday, (loving the word 'trolling' right now, it has such nasty connotations) and I noticed something peculiar.

I am magic!
No seriously I am. Stop laughing.
I have the ability to discern what year of your program you are in based solely on what you are wearing. (This applies to girls only)

1st year!
-slutty at 7 am

2nd year +
-wearing the most comfortable clothes possible no matter the time.

Just try it, I won't even charge you money for the secret.
These little picadilly whores have on eyelash extensions, full makeup aka bar face, short skirts, skanky tops and impossible heels.
At 7am!!!!

" I just know if I dress nicely* someone will notice me and I will not need an education! I am only here to find a man to take care of me! Why else would I be dressed so nicely this early? I will probably end up dropping out as soon as I find a man or I screw up my grades becasue I have been so distratced by the cute guy in the corner! Oh poo, I just noticed I cant pay my rent this month because I spent all of my money on whore clothes. But they were so nice! I dress appropriately for my age! Someone will notice me! Right?"

I am a fan of the t-shirt brigade. No matter the time the temperature or the weather, these people (myself included) are dressed for comfort. I can't imagine sitting through a 3 hour class with a g-string and mini skirt is all the comfy. But it amuses me to no end when winter comes. They will be outside wearing this stuff and freezing their cooches off.

Then the men will come to me *beats chest* For MY cooch is warm and toasty! Come all of you into my Cooch of Fire! I shall roast marshmallows and serenade your eyes!

*nicely meaning skank-tastic

Alcohol is good in so many ways

2007-09-12T04:31:00.000-07:00

Read in the Toronto Sun today about 2 people charged in the killing of a homeless person. (That's the politically correct term now right? I am not allowed to say "Human refuse"? or "Rat-attractor"?)
The two people were also "Domicile inhibited".
The opening line in the article was:

2 homeless people charged in slaying at a rubbing alcohol party gone wrong.

Ummmmmm, okay.

Since I have never been to a good rubbing alcohol party, (I blame it on my mom, she never introduced me to the 'right' people), good or bad, I cannot be sure what about this party made it bad.

Were there no finger foods?
Were there finger foods and napkins were not provided?
Was the music in poor taste?
Did that quiet girl from accounting have a little too much to drink and throw herself at the ugliest guy in the room? Give him a lapdance?

Or was it the fact that it was a party that somehow revolved around rubbing alcohol???
Since the newspaper statement was so ambiguous, I can only assume someone showed up at the 'rubbing alcohol party' with the wrong kind of rubbing alcohol. Like the Presidents choice brand.
It would be as if i went to a fancy wine party and brought wine in a box and put it beside the vintage 1922 Bordeaux.
'What a faux pas' they whisper behind my back. Oh I can hear them, thinking they are so special.

*Now this does not mean I am making light of the fact that a woman died. This is a ??? against the people who write the newspaper.

lava burns!

2007-09-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Since I have literally holed myself in my house for the past week, nothing has much pissed me off. Oh yeah, except for lavalife.

Some excerpts of the 'lines' guys have tried on me.

-Hey there angel, you got any nude pics you wanna trade?
-Sweetie, are you bored? would you like to do some naughty with me?
-You up for some cam/phone talk?
-Hey, I would treat you like a princess and lick you wherever you want

those are opening lines

Have these worked for them? i am thinking not. Which is good, cuz if they did, then these guys might breed.

I had one lovely gentlman, when i asked if Les paul made bass guitars say to me:
"Les Paul makes guitars. I play bass. Stick with what you know honey, like sucking cock"

I was frankly quite surprised that someone would find this appropriate to say. Then it occured to me, he would never say it to a woman in person. Because this type of guy is pathetic and probably lives in his mom's basement trying on her clothes when she goes shopping. And when she comes home early and catches him she is not really that surprised because her angel has always been 'special'.
When i very nicely (okay maybe not nicely) called him a horrible jerkass who needed to be slapped in the face with a trout, he then proceeded to tell me he wasn't that interested in me to begin with.

Why do guys do that?
"I like ya baby. What say you and me go back to my place and get 'er done?" *wink and the gun*
"Um, no thank you"
"Thats okay baby, i didnt really want you anyway."

Bullshit. This is a pathetic attempt to save your ego. So what if the chick doesnt dig you? Who cares if you are embarrassed for a minute? Let me tell you somethign gentlemen, if you were to just walk away and say sorry, she wouldnt mind. If you pull that other crap, just know that now she and ALL her friends will know what a huge loser you are.

Oh that's right. We DO talk about this stuff with our friends. And then we laugh at you and come up with some sort of nic name.

"Oh Janis! Did you see that guy that hit on me the other day? He's over by the bar"
"Who? Eve McFancypants? Oh yeah, he was a real swamp donkey"

Pearl Harbour in my stomach

2007-09-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

ooooooooooh my tummy hurts so bad.

I ate at the food court at Masonville Mall on tuesday. I had wrangled my friend/babysitter to come with me and we were dead starving. I got a strawberry julius, the sexiest drink ever and I also got some Japanese teriyaki chicken thing from an unnamed place. (I am sure if you have ever frequented this mall you know where i am talking about).

About 4 hours later I got so sick it is amazing I am still alive. I think i vomited out my liver. I am still feeling like clown-ass, and here it is friday.

Two things about this are funny but not in a ha-ha way.

1. About 9 years ago I was visiting back home (Ottawa) and also ate a japanese place in the food court. On my way back to my house (a 7 hour drive) I was so disgustingly sick that the drive actually took closer to 13 hours due to having to frequent the side of the road. I immediately went to hospital and they diagnosed me with sever food poisoning and i was admitted for 5 days. I actually got $2000 in compensation from this and had to fill out a shitload of forms.

2. I have a date tonight. Sort of.

Yes, I am a huge tool and decided to sign up to lavalife which i have previously mentioned. Surprisingly amidst the losers, creep-os and ass-burgalars, I found someone nice. We have chatted a tonne over the past week and he is driving up here to see me. I am torn as to how to feel about this. I feel like a huge weiner for even contemplating going online to find someone. But on the other hand my math brain won't turn off. I figure statistically speaking there has to be someone out there who is normal but just as frustrated as I am. I hold out an odd hope that I may meet them!
I highly doubt this guy is it as he is already doing a weird "Back off get your own sandwich!" type of deal and we havent even met yet. He says he is messed up from a previous relationship, (but seriously, who isn't?? I find this excuse trite and over used. It seems to be the major cop-out of choice along with "I am not ready for a relationship right now"), but yet has no problem partaking in my Garden of Eden. And oh, yes, that is what i call it. It pays tribute to my catholic-ness.
We shall see what happens. Assuming of course I do not vomit all over him, I am still looking forward to it.

My penis is bigger than your penis!

2007-09-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

Its a bright and beautiful Wednesday morning. The second day of school. I am almost positive I will be playing hooky again today. Since I am in a first year program a lot of the first week of school is getting the wee puppies aka 18 year olds, acclimated to a new regime of educational system. Bathrooms on the left and no you do not have to raise your hand if you need to piss.

I drop my son off at the bus stop and i did my good deed for the day. Saw some new people waiting at the wrong spot and let them know. So I am free to be a bitch today. Karma will balance it for me.

I go to my car, my white car, to drive to the store. And what do i see? But a tonne of brown shit all over the roof and down the driver's side window. I had stupidly parked underneath a tree and the squirrels did an Elvis all over my car.

After returning, I stopped to talk with a friend. A brand-new, HUGE (are there any other kind) Hummer, bright yellow! comes rumbling up the parking lot. If there is any bigger display of ostentatious pseudo-power, I have yet to see it. In order to turn around the Hummer, he drives up, UP mind you, onto the curb, onto the grass and backs around.
I was suitably impressed.
Until I realized that this douchebag is driving a Hummer in the city. This is probably the most off-roading this machine will do while it is spewing toxic fumes into an already crappy city atmosphere. God forbid if he actually take sit out into the wilderness, he might scratch the paintjob. Did i mention it was bright yellow? So you can not possibly miss it as it is barreling towards you? Playing on its super powerful speakers Aerosmith? Showing the world what a cool-cat owner it has?

"Ha ha! I am better than you! I can afford the $80 in gas a day! I am a rich and powerful man! All hail the wonderfulness that is me and my gigantic penis! I must have one, for I drive a Hummer! Ladies! Step up and regard the enormity that is my cock! Suck it if you will. But you may have a hard time! As it is mighty like my Hummer!"

Beer shoes... Thats right...Beer shoes

2007-09-03T15:18:00.001-07:00

So I went back home for the long weekend. This is some of the stuff that happened, but not neccessarily in the right order, in whatever order I remembered them in.

1. After a night of cavorting and drinking, I wake up the next morning and my friend (who's house I was staying at) asks me, quite serioulsy i might add:
"M, do you want to go to blah blah restaurant for brunch? We can get some soup"

For a change I was speechless. How oddly specific. Soup. At 10 am. On a Sunday morning. In Summer.
I would have had the exact sam ereaction if she had said :
"M, would you like to play tennis in our underwear? And then go get an ice cream?"

2. Whilest (I never tire of that word, it sounds so damn fancy!), my friend N and I were at the bar, a gentlman *cough use that word lightly* started hitting on me. He was the drunk kind of tourist. The kind that mumbled and spit when he talked. He annoyed me so I chastized him for said spitting and mumbling and told him to go away. He then proceeded to
on purpose
Pour his bottle of beer on my shoes!
I was stunned! I was amazed! I was........what the fuck is that?? Seriously? Did you just pour your beer on my fucking SHOES??
My lovely friend Dave, told him to bugger off. He wouldnt.
Dave then told him again. (At this point Dave is looking very sexy to me. See previous post on romance novels!)
He still wouldnt leave. I then get over my stunned-ed-ness and say:
"Buddy, do me a favour. The next time you see your mom? Tell her she did a piss poor job raising you!"
Dave tells me after that he tried very hard not to laugh at that. Because i said it so seriously.
Dave then told him he had 3 seconds to piss off before he hurt him. The little woman in me sighed. It was very romantic.

3. Burned my back twice. Damn sun, thinking it's so hot.

4. Signed up for Lavalife. I am not quite sure why except that it amuses me whilest (there it is again! hee hee!) i am without cable. More on lavalife later. Just knw that it is like shopping in a catalogue. And everything you see is shit.

8 am and feeling fine or Reasons Why I hate romance novels

2007-08-31T05:09:00.000-07:00

Lord only knows why, but I cannot sleep past 8 am for the life of me. I am sure there is something terribly Freudian about this, but as that gentleman is dead, I shall be ignorant of the reason.
So instead, I will go for a nap around 11am and if anyone happens to call (assuming my phone is fixed by then), I look like a lazy ass. My title lies. I do not 'feel fine'. I feel......twitchy. I feel like there is something important I should be doing but either cannot remember what it is due to my now advanced age, or I have somehow subconsciously made myself allergic to doing important things.
I have been reading a lot lately as I have said before. But because I have been broke, I have been re-hashing all of my old books, of which there are many. Mostly romance novels.
Which is the worst thing for me to be reading at this point in my pathetically lonely life.

Reasons why i hate romance novels

1. The make me feel old. Most of these damn things are set in the 1800's. A woman of my age back then was considered an old maid. Not worthy of marriage. All of the gentleman are my age, but the ladies are 'just coming out' 18-22. Even 22 is considered borderline scandolous. Piss on women's lib. Yes, I feel old because i have no propects of marrriage at my age! Or a dowry to tempt a man. Unless you call my broken phone and dvd players, my psychotic cat, hyperactive son, and 10 year old microwave adequate dowry. With this i could get a Jerry Springer-esque man. "Ooooooh! You can cook the food in this here box like magic?"

2. The women let the men walk allllllllll over her. This includes the modern romance novels. The women will slap a man across the face, threaten to scream, insult him, throw shit at him and state very firmly that she wants nothing to do with him. And yet the man takes this to mean she needs more convincing. Or a tongue thrusting it's honey like taste into her mouth shooting pangs of desire through her soul. And then! She melts! Proving one again that women have no idea what they want and deserve to have men walk allllllll over them.

3. No gays. What? These guys/gals dont have romances too? There were not gay pirates with throbbing shafts of desire? No cowboys with swollen members of heated passion? I am sure there are just as many lesbians out there who are indecisive and will let another lesbian walk allllllllll over them. Or how about some nice bi-sexual action? Everyone knows one of a hetero man's best fantasies is 2 women. I have yet to see/hear about this even being suggested. Statistically speaking, one of these guys had to of prsssured his wife/mistress into a menage a trois.

4.Did i mention they make me feel old?

5. These ladies are always exceptioanl beauties. How is that suposed to make me feel? The average run of the mill beauty? I dont have eyes the colour of violets, or hair that shimmers like gold. I have green eyes that I use to see things, and hair that keeps my head warm. Thats about the extent of that.

6. I will never ever ever meet a guy like this. One that fills me with a rising passion that overwhelms me. These freaking books have given me an unrealistic idea of what to expect in a relationship. I certainly don't expect a guy to whip out a pirate patch and call me wench, but I do sort of, maybe just a little, really desparately want a guy to grab me and bend me over and ....*cough* rub my neck. My neck does get sore. *looks around innocently*

*Matty has decided to forgo Facebook for a month. I hope he is lying. I miss him already. He makes me feel happy. And for a gay guy, I feel oddly sexy talking to him. I am sure Freud would have something to say about that.

*I think Matty has become my token gay friend now! This is very exciting for a girl from the stix.

Murphy's Law edition #4

2007-08-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

Oh!
Oh oh oh oh oh!
My phone!
It is broken again!

If i hadn't of started laughing so hard I would have cried and pulled an Owen Wilson.

Then I called Bell and demanded that a tech come out today. Noooooooooo. Have to wait until tomorrow. I asked to speak with her supervisor, she hung up on me. I call back. Explain my problem. The girl put me on hold to see what she could do. I got disconnected. I call back and got a lovely boy/man named Jason. He was wonderful. Did absolutely nothing to help me, but he did it in a really sexy voice. So I didn't mind so much I am still without a phone.

So, lets tally shall we?

I have no cable
No way to watch a movie
No phone
I have the internet
The lovely, juicy, slippery internet.

2007-08-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

A very nice friend of mine lent me his dvd player. He was hesitant to do so as I had broken 2 in the week before this. Well, after spending quite awhile deciding which movie wouldnt suck and i could possible stand to watch again, i discovered that his dvd player wont work without the remote.
Which he had forgotten.

So in an indirect way, he doesnt have to worry now that I'll break it. Which technically could still happen.

Finally got the new modem today. Its a damn phone one so i have a billion cords stretching across my floor right now.

Oh, and i got fired.

This is the first time in the loooooooong history of me getting canned that not only do i NOT care, but it actually comes as a relief. I freaking hated that job.
Remember back when you were a kid and the bully up the street would yell and you and call you four-eyes and would smash yellow snow into your mouth every chance he got? And if you told you mom she would just tell you to ignore him? But it was really hard to ignore him cuz he was constantly following you and throwing shit at the back of your head and your mom says its because he has a crush on you and so for the rest of our life you constantly rate relationships by how shitty someone treats you so you end up in therapy paying a whackload of money for your shrink to pay crosswords on his lap and you think "How come I have to work 20 hours to pay for this? And he's not even that good that he doesnt know a 4 letter word for bitch is cunt?"

Well, my job was kinda like that.

*Thanks art! You rock

'Tis a sad sad day

2007-08-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

Today is Matty's last day working for the coporate elitest regime. Which is very unfortunate as he happens to be the most competent one there. I spoke to his replacement who is way gayer, so Matty doesnt get to keep that title. Even though the guy once complained to me how after getting a full body wax, the "stupid bitch" missed his elbows. I think it was at that very moment........I realized that Matty is the fruitiest gay I know. I am a chick and I dont wax my elbows. I dont know anyone who waxes their elbows.

Either way, I will really miss him. All the new fruit tarts aka Rogers dispatchers, are useless. So why they all sound so happy I have no idea. Apparently ignorance is bliss.

Or in their case incompetence is rapture.

*I wonder if Matty's dad was a ninja cowboy? Or a Marine Core firefighter??

2007-08-24T05:58:00.000-07:00

Violent Acres, whom, if i ever meet shall cover with honey and lick it off, wrote a very good couple of articles regarding a new version of feminism i was not aware of.
Before I go wandering willy-nilly into the definition, just go over and read hers. Save me the hassle and she gets paid for it.

I had a really in depth conversation with Jon last night about this very topic.
I am a single mother (abandoned by my boyfriend of off-and-on one year when he found out), going to school full time and working part time. I dont have to work as our student funding system gives me enough money, but I choose to as I do not enjoy not feeling productive.

Jon says the child support system is fucked and doesnt believe that a man should have to pay for a kid if he didnt want it and had no say in whether or not abortion or adoption was an option. Or if the chick decided to get knocked up on purpose. However, they do. I completely agree with him even though he is a man. :P

What my problem is in relation to VA is that here I am, working my ass to the bone,getting an education with a fairly okay social life, and still manage to spend time with my kid and these "women" claim to be enlightened enough to call themselves feminists. A feminist was a woman who fought for the rights of women. The right to vote, the right to be enrolled in the 'good ol boys' army, the right to a decent wage and a workplace free of harassment. They fought for the right to put their daughters in hockey and football. If burning a bra got their point across, then so be it. Sometimes I want to burn my bra for the reason of the complicated and very annoying washing instructions on it. I'll be damned if i waste a load of laundry on the 'gentle cycle'.

How can you justify calling yourself a feminist because you chose to stay home with your snotty kids? How does that help women and society as a whole? How does that advance the plight of women? Which so far as I can see is pretty much okay. Short of peeing standing up, we can do everything men can do.
But these new "feminists"!
They expect me, whose arms are filled with groceries, to stop and hold the door for them just because they happen to have a stroller. They will become indignant if i don't. They expect me to coo and gag over their 'cute' children. They expect me, even though I am a parent also, to give way to them if their children are smaller.
This goes against all feminist policy. Hold your own damn door open Harpo! Coo over my kid! He doesn't drool on himself!

Sure, don't work. Stay at home. Dont have any friends other than the ones in mommy-group. Dont have any outside interests. But dont expect me to foot the bill when your kid moves out and you realize how desparately alone you are, and you decide to jump off of a building. No big loss. You didn't contribute much anyway.

I have tried to hold conversations with this type of 'feminist'. They are mindless Proctor-Gamble drones. They have barely any knowledge of current events, so it is obviouls that they could not hold a conversation regarding anything pre-Blue's Clues either. They stare at me stunned when i say in am in engineering because that is not an accepted pink collar position. They become enraged that I have left my son to be, what they call 'raised' by daycares, after school programs and babysitters, all because I am selfish enough to want an education. I dont need one they say. I can make a perfectly adequate living working full time at a regular job. How dare I, presume to be better by going to college. Their children will be so much better than mine because they stayed home with them.
My child is learning the benefits of an education right now. He is learning the meaning of a work ethic. Sure, I dont devote 100% of my time to him, but the time I do spend with him, he gets a content mother who has her own personality and own life.

Murphy's Law edition #3

2007-08-22T20:42:00.000-07:00

So i came home after going on a short jaunt today and wouldnt you know thats when the Bell technician decided to show up. Well he left me a lovely note saying he had fixed the static problem.

Now I dont have a phone.

He fixed the problem by disconnecting me completely.
So i suppose in a really round-about way or a "look on the bright side" attitude, he techincally did fix my static problem. I guess it was my fault for not specifying that I wanted a working phone with NO static.

Murphy's Law edition #2

2007-08-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that those capitalist bastards aka Rogers had cut me off? So I switched my home phone to Bell. I have had them for 2 months now. So far:
-I still have NOT recieved my modem. I got a call yesterday thanking me for being a Bell Sympatico customer. Which is news to me.
-I cannot get cable as I live on the wrong side of the building for a dish. And the Gestapo who run my building have out-lawed satellite dishes upon penalty of stoning.
-I used my phone, went to the mall and when i came back it wasnt working. I then spent a horrendous hour on my cell phone trying to explain to Bell that I dont want this fucking insurance and for someone to come and fix the goddamn problem. See, if its a problem, even the wiring inside your house, they will charge you $100. If it is outside, it is free. So they try to rook you into this insurance for $8/month to cover you in case it is in your house. I wanted to know with whom do i speak with regarding this atrocity but i kept getting "Ma'am, for only $8 you wont have to worry about it". Well they fixed it. And it wasnt my problem. which i told them.
-My phone as of yesterday is next to impossible to use becasue of the static.
So i have to sit my ass here from 8am to 10 pm tomorrow waiting for a technician to come.
I then had to again listen to the spial about the freaking insurance. I keep explaining that if i have only had the phone for 2 months how on gods green earth can it be MY fault it keeps fucking up?

The dvd player broke again. And by broke I mean that this one particular dvd keeps getting stuck in it. The only way to get it out is to take the entire machine apart. It is a copy of The Outer Limits. The Sci-fi show. I am not sure if this means something sinister

Murphy's Law edition #1

2007-08-21T20:35:00.000-07:00

well on the bright side, my sense of humour has come back. Something happened today to a friend that I found interesting.
She had just gone back to work when her son called her to tell her their hydro would be cut off if she didnt pay the bill b 2 pm. Funnily enough she HAD paid it, but the lasy at the bank had put it to the wrong account. Her ex-husbands account. So she still had to pay the bill and then had to track down her ex to get her money back from him. All in all she missed 3 hours of work and had a pretty shitty day all because some banker-lady wasnt paying attention. (Did you get it?? PUNNY!!!!Oh shut up.)
Anyway, the funny part about it is that she said she thought of me while she was going through all this hassle. Because she knows that this kind of shit happens to me on a weekly if not daily basis.
Case:
When i was going to saskatchewan aka the land of the freak show, I let Jon use my car. So i thought it a good idea to put him on my insurance. I was told there was no extra cost for this. I recieved a registered letter yesterday saying if i didnt pay $60 by thursday midnight my coverage would be cancelled.
So i go into the office breathing fire, or garlic, and asked what the bloody hell was going on. After an hour of arguing I basically had to pay the freaking $60. Which brings the total to 2 times my insurance company has fucked up and managed to screw me up the ass with a carrot. And i am a preferrred customer. And i pay my insurance per year. PER YEAR> you would think they would love that. No hassle.
I am mistaken.
I forget sometimes that i am an extremely unlucky person in every regard and that when my family immigrated here they changed their name from Murphy.

So when my friend went through this today, she said she felt sorry for me. That i had to deal with this shit all the time.

Dr. Phil was talking to some people who felt that they were 'doomed' that all they had was bad luck. He said "Out of all the billions on this world, why do you think God would target you? What makes you so special?"
Well fuck him.
Fuck him with a rusty hammer.
There are certain people in this world who through no fault of their own just get screwed. I believe that I am paying karma for the sins of my father. Or past life crap. Or maybe I really AM that important and God wants to mess with me. which should technically make me feel better that i am that important.....

as a side God note:
After i had gotten dumped in what could only be the weirdest break up in history (I like you too much. I am afraid to like you more. so its easier to break it off now), I was obviously pretty depressed. On the drive home i was flipping through the radio and just then
just then
that song came on
My favourite song ever
I will survive.
Not half way through...right at the beginning. And the song seemed somehow appropriate to the situation.
Right after that I switched stations again and!
The song i have been trying to download but cant quite get, the song i have had stuck in my head fo rthe past 2 weeks came on.

Which i think shows that God felt sorry for me and even he was saying "What the fuck was that guy thinking? Here are som eof your favourite songs to cheer you up dear. There there. I will give him a plague for you. Something in the festering category perhaps?"

Adventures with no cable part 2

2007-08-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

Idiocracy
Two weeks notice
Outer Limits
Dogma
Seed of Chucky
Richie Rich
Spider

I have also managed to read more books than is eyeball possible. I have been getting these headaches...right.......there. See that? Right behind my eye and in my temple. Now I either need to get new glasses or I have a brain tumour.

I have cleaned my apt. Done all the laundry. Cleaned out my son's room of old toys. Cleaned my room of all old clothes. Organized my dvds. and by organized i mean they are strewn all over the floor for easy access.
Jon fixed the dvd player. Turns out a dvd was stuck in it.

I now have nothing to do and am bored out of my tree. Which is the worst thing that could possibly happen as I am trying to get over a failed relationship and need to keep myself busy.
I think i may take up knitting again. Seriously.

2007-08-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

hey!
I said hey!
I just got dumped.

well there you have it.

oh, and i managed to break 2 dvd players in one week. And the light in my car which tells me what gear i am in when its too dark to see.
So the conclusions I have drawn are:
1)I am radioactive
2) I have some magnetic force that has lying benign in my blood until now.
If either of these is true, I believe i shall go to the local college and get one of the design people to make me a costume out of taffeta. You never see super hero costumes made out of taffeta. And I really think that is a shame.

so anyway, i am alone again. which started an internal dialogue. I was not drunk for this. If i had of been perhaps it would have gone better.

M1:"Whats wrong with me?"
M2:"Well, you talk to yourself. That might be a good start. And you use outdated lingo"
M1:"Say what? I am not hip to that jive. I am fronting the best way i know how"
M2:"You also have a bad habit of acting superior to other people. they may find that annoying"
M1:"Can i help it if i am smarter than everyone i know? Except for jon?? "
M2:"You are moody."
M1:"Fuck you"
M2:"You like bad movies."
M1:"Somebody has to like them"
M2:"Mostly, you are just so completely awesome that people are blinded by the shine that is your wit, grace, charm and beauty. No one wants to stand that close to the sun"
M1:"Hmmm, you may have a point. I believe I shall go with this explanation."

Jon said the manliest of men has to be a Marine Corps firefighter. Because he is a firefighter AND an army type dude.

I think it has to be a ninja cowboy.

Either way, you know these guys will have a really fruity gay son.

I ate the King

2007-08-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Went to the MTO. Got a replacement License. Went to get my plate sticker and found out i have $168 in parking tickets. So instead of my sticker costing $78 it will cost me....well you do the math.
Went to the Reporting Centerbecuase i figure gettign 2 of the tickets taken care of is better than nothing. The officer who assisted me asked if i was planning on driving the car around with an expired sticker. To which i replied:
"Well, I kinda have to. Otherwise how will i get to work to pay for the damn thing? Oh, isnt there some grace period or something? I mean, I was only 6 days overdue on this sticker thing"
"Ma'am, you had all year to come up with the money for this"
well shit. he has a really good point there.
I hate it when i have a good mad on and someone goes and makes sense. Pisses me off more.

You know what? That very nice police officer cancelled it for me! He just told me to hurry up and get it replaced as soon as possible. I am not sure but i think i may have made out with a cop today. Gratitude does funny things with your memory.

I had Burger King for the first time in 10 years today. I'll tell you, it still tastes like ass. I will try it again in 10 years. Maybe then they would have put enough money into research for someone to have come up with a half decent tasting Whopper.

2007-08-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

Oh! I had a birthday. I quit smoking. Which has nothing to do with my birthday other than it happened roughly around the same time. Seth made me make him dinner and then he gave me some pecan pie (his favourite) and a gift certificate for some lingerie (thinking more for him but at least it was a present). Then we played a rousing game of gin rummy. Which those of you from Heroes Fan forum will know what that is a euphemism for. Aren't I sneaky with my double entendres?
Surprisingly, it was probably the best birthday I have ever had. We also went for a walk and saw a swamp, some cool birds, a lot of frogs, and deer. He even held my hand when we were walking. Isn't that just dreamy?

How many more Facebook groups can there be? Is there some magic limit where the owners of Facebook will say:
"Okay people! We are sick of you starting these pissant little fucking useless groups that only your friends will join. You are a loser and quit thinking if your group gets a lot of people that somehow your face will clear up, your dick/tits will grow and everyone will forget about that time you pissed your pants at the xmas concert in front of the mayor."

A typical Day

2007-08-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

"Is your license sticker overdue?"
"Would you have pulled me over if it wasn't overdue?"
"Well....no"
"Well, then i guess it's overdue then isn't it Captian Obvious? Oh, I am sorry, Officer Obvious"
"May I see your driver's license, insurance and registration please?"
"Since you asked so nice I will let you see my insurance. And only my insurance. Because I was stupid enough to lose my license 2 weeks ago, never get it replaced and misplace my registration. But don't you feel lucky that I at least have insurance? Don't you feel safer?"
"Ma'am, do you have any picture ID at all?"
"No. Unless you count my Sin City VIP card"
"Ma'am, i have three tickets here for you now. These will all go away if you go to the Police Reporting place in the next 48 hours and show them all of this information. If not you must pay $330 and have sex with me. And my dad because he is lonely."
"But Officer! I don't have the sticker because I am broke! How can i come up with the money for it in the next 48 hours?"
"You look like a girl who has a useless baby daddy. And I imagine he is behind in child support. Why dont you try asking him for it. I am sure he will help you out. Since he is probably a fine and upstanding citizen who has his plate stickers renewed on-time."
"Okay Officer. I shall do so. Thank you for being so wonderful and protecting the dirty streets of London from the likes of me. A poor single mother who goes to school and works and who let her plate sticker lapse for 6 FUCKING DAYS. I appreciate it. I may have done something crazy like rape a stranger or commit robbery. Or burn a baby. Or dismember someone. Or dismember a burning baby who i am in the middle of robbing. But the world is so much safer now that you have given me these three tickets"

*disclaimer: The aformentioned incident may not have happened exactly as the author describes. She may have actually cried. And wet herself.

Isn't my bandwagon pretty?

2007-07-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

Why doesn't everyone leave poor britney spears alone?
So she got all weird and shaved her head! Who hasn't done that after a night of drinking and a dare by your best friend that you could not possibly look good bald? With you replying "I look good with any haircut!" And then you wake up and realize that no, you do not look good bald, but what a great learning experience.
Who hasn't attacked their ex's car with an umbrella? She could have cut off his penis like one infamous lady did. Keep it in perspective!
And I know that everyone (don't lie) has attacked some papparazi and blamed it on a movie role. It's reminds me of the time I ran naked down the street shouting "The sky is falling!". I was trying to find my motivation for the acting job i would have to do pretending I liked my boyfriend's mother right before a family dinner.
And seriously people, who hasn't stolen $26 000 worth of clothes, shoes and jewellery? I just stole a ball-point pen from work. How is that not the same thing?

So before we all go getting on our high horses, lets look at ourselves. Let's ask oursleves who amoung us hasnt done something retardedly stupid and blamed it on someone else? We need to be more like Jesus here. We need to walk on some water and say "Throw a stone at me! I promise I won't throw one back! Here, have some bread and fish."

Elaboration

2007-07-25T19:48:00.001-07:00

I promised I would. And i am nothing if not reliable to my promises. Except if they are promises to Jon. Screw him. He gave me a cold.

An associate in the camp, lets call him.......Pete, is a 44 yr old professional waiter. This is all he has ever done. He lives with a bunch of college students with his dog.
Here is a typical conversation between Pete and his dog.
"who's the most beautiful girl in the whole world?" proceeds to open mouth kiss the dog
"Aren't you gorgeous! You are so pretty! You are the prettiest girl ever! Who loves you? I do! I love you princess" lets dog kiss him back
"are you hungry? I made you some din-din" puts down an omelet with ham, onions and peppers, hashbrowns, 3 pieces of bacon and 2 pieces of sausage.
With a piece of toast on the side.
And some orange juice in a bowl.

Pete has a girlfriend. Oh yes, I was shocked too. In fact I was so shocked I blurted out "I thought you were gay!"
Pete, very offended says:
"Oh god no! I am not gay at all! I have a great girlfriend"
"Oh yeah? What does she do?"
"She starts college in September."
"Hey! Good for her! It must be hard starting college so late"
Pete gets a puzzled look on his face and says:
"She's not starting late. She's 19"

Which makes complete sense that he looked so puzzled. That i assumed this creepy 44 yr old man would be dating someone old enough to vote in the Unites States. How dare I?
A man who loves his dog this much is a catch! Any woman would be lucky to date a 44 yr old career waiter who lives with 3 college boys. This is the best part:
-he is 2 years older than her dad

Now unfortunatley I cant really demean this guy too much. (Though i did when i was there. "Oh I took a children's lit class when i was at college. We did a whole section on Dr. Seuss. Hey Pete! Your girlfriend would do great in that. Didnt she stop reading those like 2 weeks ago?")
I blame her parents.
How screwed up do you have to be as a father to raise a daughter that would date a man that much older? I shall put my all of my father's wives in this category (including my mom). What the hell? Is Freud right? Girls want to marry their fathers? Did he mean this literally?
Pete is overall a pretty okay guy. I personally didnt get along well with him, but that doesnt say much as i dont get along with just about anyone. There were some raised eyebrows as to how he interacts with his dog. A lot of the people there found it.........odd. And yes, if you were wondering, he does put sweaters on his dog in the winter. His sweaters. She is a big dog.

My adventures with no cable

2007-07-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

So the god-forsaken bastard regime aka Rogers cut off my cable while i was in sunny saskatchewan. For a girl who is used to having the tv on all the time for background noise I have gone a wee bit loopy. For some odd reason, having the radio on or putting a movie in just doesnt quite feel the same. I think it's because deep down i still know that i have no freaking cable, no matter how hard i try to fool myself.

Movies I have seen:
Blast from the Past- very cute. This was when alicia silverstone was hot and in demand. I think she was on one of those "what happened to her" much music thingys a few weeks ago. She kisses weird by the looks of her. In another crappy movie of hers she made out with benecio del toro (in his embarassment days). How did she not jump all over him and eat sushi off his ass?
I digress.

Music and Lyrics-drew barrymore is hit and miss with movies. This is a miss. It sucked.

The Holiday-super cute. I actually cried a couple of times. Though i am one of those women who wants nothing more than for jude law to come over to my house and do dirty naughty things to me.

Apocolypse-mila jovovich *drool*

Independance day-still love it

stranger than fiction-will ferrell. love anything that guy does

Dennis the menace/richie rich/home alone 1 &2
all sucked.

I also have been going to the gym (they have tvs on the treadmills. i figure this was mutually beneficial. My mind and my ass thanked me)
Reading books. ( I downloaded harry potter 7 and stayed up all night reading it)

Okay, what the hell is it about kids with english accents that totally freaks me out?????
"Please! You are all going to die down here!" Red Queen
In Max milk and the new Froster flavour is........... seriously i shit you not...............

WTF

And the other one is OMGWTF

is this appropriate? Does 'WTF' have another meaning i am not aware of besides What The FUCK?
Should this be a froster flavour? That children get?? That i have to explain to my 6 yr old what WTF means?

And who the hell do i complain to about that? I am not a product complainer, god forbid, but this seems complaint worthy.

2007-07-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am home now in safe London. Where I shall not have to fly again for anything. I hope. My kittens, whilst I was gone, somehow managed to find some speed and crack and consumed enough of it to make an army of hookers happy. This is the only reason I can find for their unbelievable hyperness. So far I have seen:
Gladiator style fighting on my recliner.
Chupa attacking her tail, falling over and whacking her head off of the vacuum. Apparently she thought the vacuum had something to do with it and proceeded to then attack it
Chupa deciding she didn’t like the look of my chapstick and assassinating it.
All of them attacking the wicker basket I use for paper garbage.
I have come to the conclusion that they are all fucked.

I did manage to survive my plane rides again. Funny thing, I flew on Friday the 13th. Only I didn’t know it was Friday the 13th. If I HAD known there is no way in anyone’s holy hell you would have caught me on a plane, much less 2 of them. The second flight had little tv’s in the seats. Dr. Phil and Oprah still suck at 40 000 feet if anyone cares. A sort of nice old lady held my hand when I was psychotically sobbing during take-off. I say sort of nice because after I calmed down a bit I got grilled about my life. And then lectured on how I should be married. A little girl like me should not be out leaving her son at home no matter how good the job! How dare I! And how old are you anyway to have a 6 yr old son at home pining for you?

Calgary airport is the coolest airport ever. It would have been a boring experience if it wasn’t for the millions of people wearing cowboy hats. And not the real kind. The Big Gay Al kind you find in gift shops.
“Look! I went to Calgary and got a real honest to goodness authentic wicker cowboy hat! Just like the real cowboys wear!”
*cough* at the gay rodeo.
Which my friend Jon was nice enough to point out happens in Winnipeg, but that is splitting hairs. I did go to Winnipeg, but was not allowed to get off the plane. So I got a fantastic picture of a sign that welcomed us from the plane window. I wasn’t that impressed with the capital of Manitoba at all.

Reasons I hate Saskatchewan

2007-07-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

1. Black flies

-those fuckers are like gnats! They are sneaky and hurt like a son of a bitch when they bite. I also hate anything that has been named for how it looks. How lazy is that? I shall now call that tree--tall thing.

2. Deer flies

-from what i can tell, there are no freaking deer in saskatchewan. So why the fuck are there flies named after them? I think either the bears ate them all or they got abducted by aliens (crop circles in the wheat explains their presence here) or they were killed off by the minions of SATAN. Aka :Deer flies. Bites also hurt. Alot.

3.Horse flies

-again, havent seen many horses (none) so the name seems irrelevant. Perhaps they are named so because of their freakishly huge size. They could eat birds, I swear to god. Bite? Of course! Does it hurt? Does it ever! I think i screamed like a little girl the first time i got bit.

4. Spruce beetles

-they were put upon this earth to make you fear the dirt too. All these flies buzzing around, you forget that shit down on the ground bites too until one of them takes a fucking chunk out of your leg. Fuckers.

5. weather

6. first place i ever flew so i will always remember it with fear and revulsion.

7. those gay ass berries. i understand saskatoon is so fucking boring that they needed something to make their own to feel special; but the grossest berries ever? Should have named some sort of fly after it. Saskatoonfly. You know what? Fuckers would bite. Everything here bites.

Thanks for the flower! It was very purple

2007-07-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

i am so hasty. I make rash decisions without thinking them through. The tricky part is I think I think them through, when i actually really don't. I have convinced myself that I have given it as much thought as possible, when all i really did was make my damn decision and then rationalize it to death.

I decided that i was miserable, which frankly i was, and rather than give it another week to see if it would get better, i went to my boss in a moment of unbelievable annoyance at someone and said I wanted to go home from this fucking province.
Well shit on me, but I kinda wish I hadn't of done that.

First because I got screwed with the flight home. I didnt fulfill my contract so i have to pay for everything now. And because there is a super hot guy (looks great in greasy oily dirt. Like a porno movie. "Here, let me take your dirty clothes and wash them. Oh, you are not wearing any underwear? I'll take care of that!" bow-chicka-bow-bow) who might actually think I am not a repulsive horrific creature. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion he thinks I am groovy. (which i so totally am)
Oh! He gave me a flower.
I am willing to ignore the fact that I demanded he get me flowers. Since this is the first time in my entire freaking life anyone had gotten me flowers, I dont care that I made him do it.

What happened to my last torrid (ok fine! It was never torrid) affair? Well he still totally digs me (and who can blame him? I am better than ice cream), but keeps stating how he doesnt want a relationship.
I never said I wanted one. In fact I am pretty okay without one. But to have someone constantly reminding you they dont want one gets very annoying. Like having a pencil jambed into your ear annoying. I love being reminded I m not good enough to have a relationship with. Makes me feel all warm and gooey and shit. Like those butterflies vomitting chocolate hearts came back to visit my stomach.

If for some weird reason I manage not to have a psychotic breakdown on the tincan airplane, I just might come back to do this godawful job again in a few weeks.

2007-07-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

Saskatchewan is officially the worst freaking province in Canada. I base tis solely on the fact I have only been in 2 provinces, but am convinced I am right.
Here are the reasons:
1. the internet where i am is schizophrenic. I might not be able to actually post this.
2. they have their own 'special' berry. Called the saskatoonberry. It tastes like bluberry and bubblegum. It is really gross and they are freakishly proud of it
3. there is nothing but flat and sky. Those are your options. Flat and sky. Anything you want to do that doesnt involve that? Fuck you thats what.
4. Bears. God i hate bears. All i want to do is go for a freaking piss. But i cant. Because i could DIE!
5. The weather has no idea what it is doing. So far it is sunny and hot for about 15 min. Followed by rain and cold for 20. Then sunny and hot for an hour. Then it will rain on one side while the sun is still out on the other. Then it will get sunny for 30 minutes. Then it wil downpour and get cold for 2 hours. This is an average day here.
6. I hate the people i work with. I hate most of the people i cook for. Hate is such a strong word, you're right. I am extremely displeased with the situation here. MY assistant decided to take oer as soon as he got here. And, (I shall elaborate on this in another post) I have finally experienced that whole "I am a girl, so no one respects me, what I do, or what i think. Lets find the nearest MAN around"
I cannot express how annoyed I am with this.
I am pissy in general 90% of the timne right now.
Now normally I am pissy that muvh anyway, but at least I will have some humour about it.
This morning alone, i went into the kitchen to have some breakfast (I dont start until 10) at 6am. My ASSISTANT starts screaming at me ow i left 3 pots in the sink to soak overnight. At 6am. So i have now had a wonderful start to my day.
I fucking hate Saskatcewan

2007-06-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is this? Paris Hilton does NOT have scraggly brown/black hair. I do not remember her having a mole on her face. And I can only assume the reference to Fresno is an inside joke. Which is such a good idea for a nationally syndicated comic strip, only 4 people getting it.

I can only think that perhaps that is actually Enrique Iglesias in drag.

questions

2007-06-21T17:00:00.001-07:00

What does it mean, when in an argument, if the other person calls you by their ex wife's name?

Why do people drive so goddamed slow and if you want to pass them they either speed up or move over so it is too difficult to pass?

Why do people say "what?" after you say something and when you go to repeat it, they interrupt as if they heard in the first place?

Why is it when you need something and you call everyone you know looking for it, they have always already lent it to someone else?

Where is this pot of gold? Cuz I'll be damned if i chase the end of another freaking rainbow.

How does that guy i saw on jerry springer survive? he was born with no body from the belly button down. How does he poop? Or as Jon says "have a BM?"

Things I am Racist/Bigoted about #1

2007-06-19T21:57:00.001-07:00

-green apples for reasons i have already bitched about

-overly perfumed people

-people who use those damn walker things that are so fat and/or injured that they need them and take up so much time getting on the bus that it makes everyone very late but yet will WALK up to the bus driver to ask for a 'special' place to get dropped off at because they have a walker thing. I shit you not this has happened more times than i care to count. They spend 20 freaking minutes manouvering their walker/ scooter things onto the bus and then will get up and stroll over to the driver. Screw you! If you can walk on a MOVING bus to talk to the driver, you could have gotten off the scooter thing when the bus wasn't moving and it would have gone much quicker.

-Rogers cable. Bastards.

-People who say "You know what I mean?" as an affectation. I either DO know what you mean since you just told me or i am ignoring you because i find that so annoying that i want to punch you in the eye. Either way, I probably dont care.

-Ex-smokers. Stop over-reacting if i smoke near you. I am not blowing it in your face. You dont need to start waving your hands around to get rid of the invisible smoke, making faces at the smell or exaggerate coughing. 2 weeks ago you were sucking them back yourself like a vietnamese prostitute giving a blwojob.
You do not need to start preaching about the dangers of it. Listing ever single ingrdient in them to scare me or tell me horror stories about people you know who died from cancer. I bet if i pushed you in front of a car that would be just as dangerous. Or shoved a banana up your ass. I bet that would shut you up. Funny, non smokers, as in people who never have smoked, do not do this.

sigh no one listens to me

2007-06-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

I just bitched about this
Didn't i JUST complain about this

Goddamn, nothing is more annoying and yet somehow comforting when i gripe about something and that very thing happens fairly soon after. I say comforting because it reinforces my point in the first place. I like being validated.

I had to take a very interesting (you cant see my face, but it has a sarcastic look on it) course for my job today. Safe Food Handling. Quick recap of what it is for those of you who are horribly ignorant:
-Dont be a douchebag and put raw meat by your vegetables
-Keep food off the floor so it doesnt go bad and critters dont get to it
-Keep cleaning products away from food (Funny story about the cleaning product thing. I assumed that everyone knew about the whole "Dont mix ammonia and bleach together and dont use those two products at the same time when you are in a closed room". I was wrong. I had to explain to a woman, 45, why that is such a super bad idea that it trumps all other bad ideas you could ever possibly have.)
-Proper temperatures for shit

I thought mst of this stuff was common sense. man, I am so worng sometimes that it scares me. I know most of the population is so totally retarded as to make the movie 'Idiocracy' look plausible, but i hold out hope that just once i will meet someone with more brains than God gave a fruit fly.

I digress.

This 'lady', and i use the term loosely as i fail to see how any woman in the year of our Lord 2007 could be a 'lady' with a mullet, sat down beside me and my nose immediately started to leak and my eyes burn. Reason?

PERFUME! I came up with some reasons as to why she could have that much on. They are:

-she is a fan of 1800 romance novels and doesn't believe in bathing but in spraying herself in perfume to cover up her stench
-she ran into a skunk on the way to the class but didnt have time to shower again and decided that perfume would be a great way to fool everyone
-ran out of deoderant and this was the quickest solution
-went shopping in the mall and got attacked by one of those 'perfume spritzer nazis'
-she got a magazine that had free samples in it and decided to try them out. Nothing says sexy like rubbing a piece of cardboard on your neck
-she thinks she smells good

Here's the kicker. I am not even allergic or sensitive to scents. But she had so much on and it smelled so freaking bad that I and the teacher both reacted the same way. I would have said something, but i have learned that it is futile. It reminds me of those super duper fat people who wear spandex (*note: only 1% of the population looks good in spandex and they all live in some mansion i have read about with bunnies. I have always wanted to see a mansion over run with bunnies. I think it would be cute if not grossly smelly).
They walk around like they think they look good but no one wants to say anything for fear of looking like a bigot.

I did not want this lady to think i was racist against peoples wearing mullets.

Though I will admit that I have now added that to my list of things i am racist about. I believe I shall have a separate post for that.

*A very Happy birthday to my friend Jon! I hope that being 25 brings him nothing but sunshine, lollipops and rainbows all covered in beer.

Oh yeah baby!

2007-06-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

Got a very weird job that involves me being surrounded by a bunch of sweaty men, being bitten by black flies, and stuck in the middle of a forgettable province with a great-named capital city.

What is.......cooking for a geological expedition in northern saskatchewan for $600!

You would be correct if that was your answer, though i highly doubt it was.

I leave in 10 days and i will be gone for 6 weeks. So no blogging for awhile. *sigh* I know you shall all miss me.

Anyway, onto a very amusing conversation i had with my new guy. He attended a stag party this past saturday. It involved a bunch of guys playing paintball and then off to the strippers.

Well, my guy S, is used to strip joints where you keep your hands at your sides and you DO NOT touch the girls for fear of being made into one yourself by one of the many bouncer overlords watching. This place is different. Not only are you allowed to touch the girls during a lapdance but it is actually encouraged. God Bless Women's Lib!

Anyway, S said he missed me and kinda wished I was there as I am a pretty groovy chick. However alas, I was not (much to my dismay) and he decided to getnot one, but TWO lapdances by a stripper that apparently looked very much like me. S said this with a very earnest look on his face as if i was supposed to be complimented by his desire to remember me when in the face of bobby-peril.
I was torn between "Aw! Thats so sweet!" and "Wow. That is the creepiest thing i have ever heard". For the sake of our blossoming relationship, i decided to go with 'sweet'. She grabbed his hands and placed them on her titties, which i am happy to say are smaller than mine according to S. That makes me smile as I have always felt slightly underappreciated in that department. I blame the media.

After the second dance she asked him if he wanted to have some fun. He then perked up from his rye and ginger induced coma and proceeded to grill her. AS he has never encountered a prostitute before, this was fairly thrilling for him. I cannot blame him and it is one of the reaosns i like him so much. I woul dhave reacted in much the same way.

$100 for the room and $300 for the night. (She said she was worth it)
$200 if he wanted to orally make her happy
He did not inquire as to a blowjob.
See? This is why i like him too! He was more interested in her pleasure, even if she is a syphillis ridden mutant swamp donkey.

I aske dhim if he partaked in her 'bucket 'o' fun' and he said no. For 2 reasons:
1) He is with me! (Every girl reading this can sigh now)
and
2) He did not want to embarrass himself by showing off his body. Keep in mind he had gone paintballing with a bunch of drunken morons and he is undressing in front of me as he is saying this.
"M! Seriously! Look at these welts! Arent they gross? I would be way too ashamed to get naked in front of a stripper with these all over me! I mean, just look at this one! It's huge!"
I say nothing and let my expression do the implying.
"Oh shit. Um.....are you mad? Do you want a pudding? Or a drink?"
I couldnt control myself any longer. I burst out laughing and say that i am so happy that I was not important enough to worry about showing off his gross welts to. That a skeezy, slimy, moldy hooker should give him more concern than me.
That perhaps I am giving my milk away to freely (after all, dont we all look upon something offered as 'free' with a bit of distrust? Like "What could be wrong with it that it's free?). Perhaps i should be charging him also! I do not know if i am worth $300, she probably does weird german/japanese things i have never even heard about. She is a professional! She gets the quarterly magazine with all the tricks of the trade in it. I am just a poor sap who has been letting someone milk me for nothing.

Its really no wonder why I am such an awful business woman.

My kid had a dream

2007-06-14T03:49:00.000-07:00

At 3 am, my son came crawling into bed with me saying he had just had a bad dream. He was a little teary about it so of course I said sure.
This morning after waking him up to get ready for school, I asked him what was the dream about. This is what he told me. Keep in mind he is 6.

I was playing with my 2 friends Joe and Pete at my Nana's. There was a sign saying not to go into the forest. It said "Keep out! Elves!"
And then I looked over and all these spears started to come out of the sandbox. Like 50. And then a bunch of elves came out of the sandbox too. They grew out of it like trees. They had funny red and green hair.
They were mean and scary elves and tried to kill everyone. But then the Navy and the Army showed up and there was a big battle. The Navy and the Army killed most of the elves bt there was one left. There was a HUGE battle with the last elf and then he died. But when he died then a million more came out of the sandbox again. The Navy and Army guys started to cry and I was really scared.

Freud would have a field day with this. The elves represent his anger at his height. The army and navy represent his love of me, the authority figure. The spears are of course a phallic symbol.

I just think my kid is weird. Screw Freud.

Insomnia part #3

2007-06-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have read a book.
I have watched tv
I have done special things to special places on myself
I have eaten some honey
I have drank warm milk. (Which promptly made me gag and lose any sleepy i was feeling)
I did some dishes
I played with the kittens
I had a cigarette (screw you, some people KNOW its bad for you and still do it. I am one of those people. Its the only vice i gots, let me enjoy it *cough hack cough*)

For some odd reason, goldfish crackers bother me. They are just so damn round. Its not that I dont enjoy round things, but something about these crackers weirds me out. Maybe its because they are orange and round. I have never felt a connection to the colour orange.

Onion rings that are bigger than 7 cm diameter. These freak me out. I refuse to eat them. And by association, those steroidal carrots that chinese food places use. Yeah, Yeah, I know it's all in the slant they cut them on. But something just says to me :Holy Fuck! There is something unnatural about huge carrots and onion rings! This is not normal! I am eating hormones!
If my tits got bigger from these hormones, I would probably change my mind about them. But so far...nothing.

People who use too much perfume to the point where after they leave, the elevator still reeks of it. Has anyone not told them that they are wearing too much? I know I have. Come to think about it, whenever I have made a comment to someone about the overly excessive amount of whore juice on them, they laugh and shrug it off. Like my olfactory sense is on a labour strike and i must be mistaken. My watering eyes and coughing/gagging are not good enough clues for them. Perhaps this is a mystery for Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Van.

Enough with the freaking chain emails! If you want to send me a chain letter, stop being so fucking lazy and cheap and mail one the regular way! I would probably do it if I got one. There is more effort involved. Clicking the 'forward' button only excercises my index finger. An actual chain letter excercises me hands, fingers and tongue. Though I have no complaints about my tongue being out of shape, one doesnt want to wait until it gets that bad that a complaint is necessary.

See perfume people? By the time i complain to you, the damage has been done! you have killed the little person inside me that wanted to be nice to you. Now i want to treat you like shit. Cuz you ignored me and you smell like it.

Being mean to kids is funny

2007-06-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

So I am horribly addicted to America's Got Talent. I cannot possibly express the joy I get from watching a bunch of Yanks making asses out of themsleves for a slim chance at winning a million dollars. Short of a few people on a forum I visit, I find most Yanks to be a pain in the ass. Example: I used to live in Windsor. If any Yanks are reading this and even question where Windsor is, you just totally made my point here.
Anyway, I would go to the bars along Oullette Street as they happened to be closer to my house. I would run into many Americans who felt the need to start questioning Canadian "things" that they never understood.
-Why do we call a case of 24 beer a two-four/two-fer?
-Where is all the snow? (mid-august)
-Where can they go to see some eskimos?
One lovely gentleman was in college for french, and i have to say, my 6 year old speaks better french than this guy. He meant to tell me he was hot (temperature wise) but actually said he was horny.

I digress.

The english guy on the show has no problem telling little kids that they suck. And good for him. Because frankly, most of the time they do. I am a parent, but i have to say, at no point would i ever encourage my child to do something he sucks at. Nor convince myself he is great at it when he isnt.
All of these people applauding kids for doing medicore crap are just setting them up for real embarassment later on. These kids will grow up and go on American Idol and be horribly shocked when they are told that they blow donkey ass.
"But my family tells me I am great!"
Well sweetie, your family is retarded. You are not great. Not even a little. But right on! You just made a huge fool out of yourself on national television!
Is it technically your fault? Nope. It is your parents fault for trying to turn you into Britney Spears so they can live off your profits.

I like it when the english guy tells a kid they suck. The kid gets all teary eyed and started sniffing. I think, better now when you are 6 then 20 and having wasted a whackload of money on lessons.

Those damn raisins' sing a pretty good tune

2007-06-11T04:40:00.000-07:00

So I was informed that my old Kitchen Manager, El Douchebag, had quit. I made some wonderful connections while i was working there and they were VERY quick to tell me the juicy gossip surrounding this. My first thought was: "Why couldn't that fucker have done that 2 weeks ago and saved me the embarrassment and aggravation of getting fired?"
My second thought was :" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! El Douchebag couldn't handle it!"
Third: "I believe I shall ask for my job back". So i just came back from meeting with the new super fantastic KM and hopefully will hear back shortly.
*whispers* Apparently......El Douchebag had fluffed his resume slightly, and by slightly i mean the way a prostitute would call herself a Customer service representative. At only 22 years old, I was skeptical at all this experience he claimed to have had running restaurants. The owners, not so much and hired him at a salary that was next to kingly. I guess his LIES caught up with him and he realized he was a poor pathetic little boy just trying to play dress up in a grown up world. I will never get to see him have green apples thrown at his head, but this is frankly just as good. Fucker.

Cheater McFucknuts and his little kitchen whore are not doing very well. *cue evil music and manical laughter* A very good source that works with both of them says that because he is the boss and they live together, she is taking advantage of the situation and being insubordinate all over the place. And making quite the mess too. (In case anyone cares, insubordination is greenish and gooey and is hell to get out of polyester). Cheater McFucknuts is allowing this and it is causing some strife within the ranks. *cue evil finger pyramid and one eyebrow raise*
His mail is still getting delivered here even though i have been making weekly calls to him for the past 6 months to get his gaddamn address changed to:
Cheater McFucknuts
c/o Kitchen Whore
123 Slutastic Road North
Chlamydia ON
A1D H1V*

I believe I will just call all his creditors and tell them his new address but give them his work one. I will be sure to tell them that he IS employed and that is the address I gave them. *cue pinky finger in corner of mouth and another eyebrow raise*

Word had gotten out that I am having a semi-torrid affair with his friend. I wasn't trying overly hard to hide it, but nor was I waving a flag and holding a ticker-tape parade with cheerleaders and elephants to announce it. I have no idea what his reaction was, one can only hope it was.........messy.
I have been trying to make my semi-torrid affair a flown blown torrid for a while now. Unfortunately for me, I picked a guy who is so laid back that short of a tractor running over his foot he really wouldnt get too excited about anything. God love him though, he likes my weirdness. I amuse him.

Jon's ex, Lola Cum-Dumster, had her baby. After Jon kicked her ass out after finding her cheating with none other than Cheater McFucknuts in an orgy involving his other friend, she went running back home and got knocked up by the next guy she could fuck. Damn succubus. She is miserable and has left the baby to be raised by her parents, which could probably be the best damn thing for this kid. Who wants to be raised by a whore?

*Address has been changed to protect the identity of his cat.

Job Search #1

2007-06-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today's journey for a job!

I had a hot chocolate and looked through the London Free Press' classified section. For those of you who are interested, this paper has got to be the most boring city newspaper ever printed on recycled snotrags. No one gets shot or anything here so right off, the front page is full of junk: walkathons, tree trimming, lead in the water etc. BORING.But the classified section more than makes up for this! It is like when a real estate agent tells you the house is a 'fixer-upper', you know in reality the house is probably made out of tin cans and toilet seats.

-$1000 + Weekly !! $1000 + Weekly !! No Exp. req'd. Busy locations hiring adult massage contractors. 18+. $1000 contract bonus- conditions apply.I called this place for a lark. Let's keep in mind I have no experience, no education or no abilities for masseusing. They said I could come in whenever i wanted and if they liked the look of me, I could start asap. You know what the conditions were? I bring my own oils. Now I know i am desparate for a job, but i have a sneaky suspicion that 'masseusing' would not be the major part of this job. Unless the masseusing was on the penis. My momma done raised no fools.

-$3,470 PER MONTH! $3,470 PER MONTH! Simple data entry online. Part time / full time
Really? Holy shit! Thats a lot of money! And i wouldnt have to masseuse anything! What could possibly be wrong with this job? It is too good to be true!You are required to pay a $79.95 (cuz saying $80 sounds more expensive apparently), for the starter kit which will explain to you how EXACTLY you need to go about 'data entry'. Best part is, they send you a list of potential employers. It is up to you to get them to hire you.

-CASH PAID DAILY Busy body rub parlour requires attendants.
oh, there we are again! London must be the sorest damn city in Canada. Or the most relaxed if they actually do go to these places. I guess since our 'free health care system' decided that actual educated masseuses weren't going to be covered under OHIP anymore, this was the next best thing. Plus you can probably find a nice immigrant wife from Russia. I imagine they have those in the back room behind the saloon type doors.

-CLEANERS Needed Part-Time
Cleaning what? I want to know before I call you. Because if it's leftover crime scene mess I am so there. No toilet scrub brushes for me!

-Easy Phone Work Established company is looking for telephone reps to work in a fun environment. Part-time, non-selling positions. No experience necessary. Students welcome. Hourly rate plus bonus
"Hi!" *breathy voice*" My name is Sharese, and I will fulfill your every fantasy. What's your name cowboy?" *sucking sound into phone*

-EVERYDAY is Payday. Door to door canvassers needed. Cash paid daily!
Are we just so lazy that we dont rob banks anymore? We just go door-to-door to do it now?I suppose that is more efficient............

-HOT! HOT! HOT! Fast growing ad firm is expanding. 15 FT positions. Paid trainingThey must be marketing something hot..................like: hookers, salsa, peppers, ovens, irons, bottled sunshine, flamethrowers........

-MATURE person for gas attendant position, weekends
I dont want some 80 year old pumping my gas in the middle of the summer! Bugger might have a heart attack. Then who will pump my gas?

-Start Work at Noon $280-$600.+weekly
Hmmmm. Sounds intriguing. But since this is all they are telling me I am only left assume that it is something illegal. Like lunch break midget wrestling.

-TIRED of just getting by Be your own boss, it's time to dream again
Aaaah yes. I have been wondering when dreaming would pay off. I could go back to my old high school and laugh in the faces of all my teachers who screamed at me for not paying attention during the recounting of the war of 1812. Fascinating stuff really that war.

Insomnia rant #2

2007-06-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

So here it is at 1:42 in the freaking morning. I have napped all day because it was hot and i was bored, so now i must pay for it. I have laid (or is it lied?) in bed for the past 3 hours trying to sleep. Normally in these situations i have little scenarios i play in my mind. I am a chronic insomniac so it has become almost ritualistic. Like killing a goat but less messy.
So many things have occured to me during this time of introspection:

-I am 28 yrs old and alone. I have no prospects for any relationship in the forseeable future and if history holds true, even if i did, i would somehow manage to mess them up. Its either genetic or a god given talent. Too bad I cant put that on a resume.

-Cheater McFucknuts left me 5 months ago. It still kinda feels like yesterday. Without te crying and the immense amount of snot caked tissues lying (or is it laying?) around.

-He has been with his new twinkie for 5 months also. And here I am typing away on a half rate laptop wondering when the fuck will i get to sleep. I have heard many of my wonderful friends (Brooke, Jon, Jen, you guys are awesome) telling me that this relationship of his could not possibly be healthy and will eventually blow up in his face. One can only hope it rips off his eyebrows. But I have my suspicions that it will work out for them. I mean, she is a whore and he is co-dependant. If Pretty Woman taught us nothing it was that whores and co dependancy make for a greta movie. Since we didnt get to see the aftermath of that relationship, i can only guess that it went well.

-my ceiling has a lot of cracks in it

-all the skin is peeling off my hands from my brief interval at Cora's. It is tres sexy.

-I am really freaking tired. And depressed. It seems i am always depressed right now. I was griping to Jon earlier that this year ha snot been a good one for me and i cannot think of a single great thing that has happened for or to me in the past 6 months. He said "well at leats it hasnt gotten worse". Which is true, but dammit! I need something good to happen soon.

-I bought a lotto 6/49 ticket. I imagined what i would do with the earnings again.

-why is it i can never find tape in this house except on the bottom of my sock/foot?

- it is too hot to be this contemplative.

Nostalgia

2007-06-03T16:37:00.001-07:00

Since the sun is a ball of fire
And the moon is proportedly made out of cheese (green at that)
Would that not be one hell of a great fondue party?

I am going back home for the weekend. I cannot possibly express how damn excited I am about this. London has been so disgustingly hot that if Jesus' grandmother were alive, she would be wearing a thong bikini.
It doesnt help that my entire road is under construction so there is dust everywhere.

-Has anyone actually played the correct rules for monopoly? Anyone?

-I miss hungry hungry hippos. It was during a time when little girls were unconcerned about their weight. It encouraged the bingeing and purging of marbles. If we learn and are influenced so much from tv/radio/games as children, how has marble bulimia not caught on?

-Clue was fun. You got told whether or not you killed someone and then everyone tried to figure out who was the sociopath who hung Mrs. Scarlett in the library. I mean, aside from being a bordello matron, what did she ever do? The ages suggested for this game is like 8+. I was told during my Liberal Arts enlightenment that this is a time where morals are formed and crap. Being labelled not only a psychotic killer but also trying to elude the punishment for a horrific crime could not possibly be good for gentle minds. Screw Marilyn Manson, I blame Parker Brothers.

-Battleship is basically Nazi Germany in your livingroom. I am bored. I believe i shall try to sink as many warships and their passengers as possible. Their wives will get compensation! And their children will grow up to be afraid of water, snappy white suits and the HMS Pinafore. (which has got to be the most catchy and the most annoying musical about incest and shipping i have ever seen)

-snakes and ladders. My kid is, in grade one, being taught how to follow directions (north south etc.). Snakes and ladders does not help him with this as there seems to be no point to this game with where you are supposed to go. It also gives him the impression that snakes are a handy and efficient way to lower himself down to something. If this was such a great idea, how come firefighters use poles? Why dont they just use a damn snake?

-Candyland! Oh this game is fun! If it didnt make me so freaking hungry that i would binge myself on chocolate, candy, marshmallows and such, I could ignore the fact that it also encourages major caloric and trans fat intake. But it is so colourful! And *drool* full of sugary goodness........... Candyland was invented by dentists. The conspiracy will come out eventually.

*side note: My lovely and available friend jon has nicely turned me onto the definition of self actualization.
http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_actualization

It blathers on about psychology. In short it means to be cool with yourself. Like the Fonz. Isnt my explanation much easier to understand?

Grissom is on crack

2007-06-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

Self -actualization

Does anyone really know what the fuck this means? I mean really?

Grissom, in all his meta-physical wisdom, used this phrase on tonight's episode. I am not an unintelligent girl. Far from it. But 90% of the time, I have no freaking clue what this douchebag is talking about. He randomly quotes crap and no one gets it. They stare at him like one of those bugs he obviously wants to have carnal sex with. And yet he self-actualization-ly persists in trying to prove how large his penis is by showing everyone up. Come on Grissom! I want to see more of Nick! Stop blathering on like I care about what you have to say.

And for that matter....what the Jumping Baby Jesus is up with the writers on this show? I am not a CSI nor do i play one on tv. But i do know that in REAL life, no one does all the crap they seem to do. There is ONE guy to do DNA, ONE guy to do prints, etc. They do not all do all of it.

And what the hell was up with that episode where they got an ear print, AN EAR PRINT from a sliding glass door and matched it to a suspect? Is this a viable piece of forensic science I have been ignorant about? Has this been used so frequently in mainstream crime-fighting that the writers thought "Holy shit! How have we not used the EAR PRINT yet?" Do the police now take finger AND ear prints when suspects (or 'dirtbags' as they like to say on Dragnet) are arrested?
I think i want to see what happens when you try to get that damn ink off your ears. Those things are tricky being all foldy and shit. What if you missed some of the ink in a crevice there and your 'ho' was licking your ear after a hard day of walking the streets and accidentaly licked some? Is it poisonous? Could you then sue the police department for killing your income source aka Delicious D?

In my ranting i seem to have lost all aspects of coherency. I apologize. My lack of self-actualization apparently has affected my vocabulary when talking about how DISGUSTED I am at the writers of this freaking show for thinking I am a MORON and will swallow this load of horse crap.

Don't watch it you say?
When you see midget wrestling, even though you know its wrong and it makes you vomit a little in your mouth, do you turn away? I thought not. Sometimes, you just need to watch crappy tv to remind yourself how important it is to self-actualize.

New things

2007-06-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

-I got fired from my job at Cora's. I was pretty sick and my boss wouldnt let me go home. I told him that was freaking bullshit and he fired me. One can only hope there is a special place in hell for people like him. Like he has to stand in line at the MTO behind some really obese smelly man. Or have green apples thrown at his head for eternity. Something horrible.

-My cat had kittens. They are cute-ish. Like any new born animal they look somewhat alien like and dont do much but sleep and eat. I did learn something gross and funny. Kittens dont pee or poo for the first 3 weeks. The momma cat licks any excrement off of them. I thrill in not telling people that and watch them get kisses from Gizmo (mommy). It amuses me.

- I have been carrying on a torrid affair with one of Cheater McFucknuts close friends. I say torrid, even though it really isn't. I just wanted to do something torrid in my life. Perhaps I shall try to make this affair torrid by telling him i was a guy once and just had surgery. He will be shocked but he is so in love with me it will not matter. Then we can go on the Dr. Keith Alba show and discuss our feelings. And have our respective ex's there as well. They will be shocked and hurt. Chairs will fly, someone will get a makeover...it will be torrid.

-Speaking of Dr. Keith Alba, has anyone actually watched his show? I do for weird reaosns. He is so fake, so condescendingly saccharine that it is unbelievable to me that people take his attention for actual interest. If he didnt have his psychology degree he would be very much like Maury Povich.

-I found out that at my last job (the techy one) a rumour is going around that I slept with one of the Installer guys. I find this amusing as I have never even met the guy. I suppose we could have slept together, if his penis is so large that it spans across space and time. I mean, he seems nice over the phone, but i dont get that "My dick is so huge that I culd fuck someone 100 kms away without actually meeting them" vibe. I have been wrong in the past though. Watch me get pregnant from that. Now THAT would be a damn good Maury Povich show.

The things people talk about

2007-05-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

These are some random things I have heard people talking about lately. Let's keep in mind I am not privy to the entire conversation, just the parts that I happened to walk in on/sit beside/ and generally overhear. I am also including things Jon and I have talked about. They tend to be weird.

-why if our city spent so much money on planting trees to keep up our image of the "Forest City", did they turn around and rip up 50 of the damn things. The reason? The were the wrong kind for the subdivisions' liking.(London has allotted something like 2 million dollars to planting trees)

-if that commercial of making kraft dinner in a hot tub would actually work.
Here's my thought on that : Go ahead and try and i will be the first to laugh at you for eating your own filth with a creamy cheese sauce.

-if masterbating to bad 'b' movies makes you a pervert. I say gratuitous nudity is still nudity. Go Team!

-"Wouldn't it be cool if someone did a bomb threat so i wouldnt have to go to work today?"
Um yeah. That would be......cool. If by cool you mean horribly scary and a complete waste of the bomb squad/firefighter/police/paramedic's time and taxpayers money. Then yeah, I guess that WOULD be cool.

-"I am on Ontario Works (welfare) and my boyfriend is on Employment Insurance. We are getting like, a LOT of money every month now. But it's because they dont know we live together. We are thinking of getting a hot tub!"
Really! Well good for you! You just sit in your hot tub and laugh at all those suckers who are working for their money and getting some pride out of it. Hot tubs and pride dont work well. I think you have to sit for 30 minutes after a good dose of pride before you can go in one.

-"Go Sens!"
"Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you a Leaf's fan?"
"Well yeah. But i want the cup to come back home to Canada"
"Hmmm. So your team sucks and you decided to jump on MY team's wagon? Does this mean next season I will not have to listen to you dissing my team and you calling me names and you making fun of me for liking the Senators?"
"Nope. I will still do that"
"Well then screw you. You have a big head and your body odour is repulsive. You smell like a Leaf's fan. It reminds me of rancid garbage and stale milk and my grama's underwear drawer"

-"That Clint Eastwood guy was really good in that 'Art of War' movie"
hmmmm. I think that was Wesley Snipes. Who is black. And younger. And bigger. And had never been in a western, ever. And their names are nothign alike. But other than that, I could see why you would get confused. I mean, they are both humans. With heads and legs and arms. And I bet they both have to eat food and drink fluids. So I supose I could see why you might have gotten the 2 of them mixed up. Common mistake really, Wesley Snipes and Clint Eastwood.

The manner of my death

2007-05-23T15:44:00.001-07:00

now that i am getting horribly old i think about these things. Like at 2 in the afternoon as i am driving behind some twat going 70 in a 90km/h zone.

Two of my biggest fears are water/drowning and getting into a car accident.

So i figured it out. I will die by hitting or getting hit by a milk truck. The tank ruptures and i drown in a sea of milk.

It does not do a body good in this case I would imagine.
Which i think would make how i die very ironic.

Random Thoughts # i lost count

2007-05-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

-They seriously need to bring Sliders back. Jon and I are both very upset by not only the cancellation of the show, but the fact that they ran it into the ground after Jerry O'Caonnell left. Did they really expect us to take his stupid brother seriously? How the hell, on that note, did Charlie O'Connell manage to be one of the bachelors???
Aside from that we miss it and believe that instead of coming up with new crappy shws that kind of follow the same plot, just bring it back.

-Why are brothers of famous people named Charlie? Charlie O'Connell and Charlie Murphy for example? I would be afraid to be named Charlie if i had any siblings. Its like a pre-cursor for mediocre coat tail riding

-If you are so obese that you need one of those walker things, why am i seeing you at convenience stores buying junk food? Did the walk to the store justify the calories?

-Saw an Indian guy buying those new Lays Curry flavoured chips. Another incident of me wanting to call the "Perpetuating a Stereotype" police. I am wondering, is he just not getting enough curry? Breakfast, lunch and dinner of curry just isnt enough anymore? He needs to start having it for snacks as well?
He says to himself: "Hmmm, I need a snack. I believe I am craving some curry and i dont want to wait the hour until my curry infused dinner is ready. And it has been much too long since I had my curry soaked lunch, I think i shall go to the store and purchase whatever i can find that has curry in it. Oh look! They invented chips! Oh happy day!"

I am not against curry or Indians. I just happen to live in an apt building where there are like 4 families on my floor. My hallway has a permanent smell of curry etched into the paint. I really think if i were to strip off the paint I could make some damn fine samosas.

- I am a racist.
I know, I know. That is not a good thing to admit to. Especially working where I do and doing what I do. No one wants people to know they are racist. No one should want to be racist. Saying that I should at least get credit for aknowledging that I am.
All green apples should be killed. Eradicated off this planet. They are bitter and serve no purpose other than to annoy the crap out of me. God invented these to test my patience and i am losing the battle.
Yes, that is right.
I am a Green apple racist.

Bored at work #1

2007-05-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

Googling! This is what i did at work this weekend!

frog + bucket= Name of a pub in Manchester called The Frog and Bucket pub. Doesn't that sound yummy?

porn + carrots= www.veganporn.com. Seriously. I didnt click on because i was at work. Needless to say what one assumes about this. If the vegan is fucking a carrot or other assorted produce, isnt that the same thing as a meat eater fucking a cow? Or a sheep?

german + poo= German Poo Shelf Toilet. I think that speaks for itself. Again, funny, that was the third site offered. Oddly, the first 2 sites were in spanish..........

caramel + slippers= Daniel Green's Womens' caramel MOC slippers. Sounds yummy and comfy. I guess that would be...yumfy. Or cummy. On second thought. Ew.

bukkake + linoleum= www.metafilter.com. Words people like to say because they sound funny.

grasshopper + porn= a whole lotta shit in japanese. Somehow that wasnt surprising.

eggshell + syphilis= some medical journal shit.

Cleveland steamer + antenna= an FCC website. A government site. How........magical.

porcupine + chair= Some guy is the Vice-chair of the Porcupine Caribou Management Board. His momma must be so proud.

How to amuse yourself with the torment of co-workers

2007-05-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

1. Speak slowly and use really big words. Even if you dont know what they mean. In fact, use words incorrectly all the time. It really throws them off.
"I was just ubiquitating, what time were you done today?"
2. Make words up that sound important and use them all the time.
"What were you planning on fortunating tonight?"
3. Disappear for 10 minutes. And when you come back, act like you have been there the whole time.
"I havent been gone! I have been here the whole time! We just talked about your mom' s bday! Gawd!" Then give them a look like they are freaking nuts.
4. Throw fruit containers at them
5. Instead of taking a 30 minute break, take 6 five minute breaks. Or 10 three minute breaks. (Note, it takes me 3 minutes to smoke a cigarette). That seems to work great for me. Even when i explain that i am owed a 30, somehow it still pisses them off. Because it looks like i am trying to get out of work all the time.
6. Always take your 5 minute breaks right when something big or important has to be done.
7. Speak Kling-on
8. Start gossipping/bitching about someone and then right near the end of the rant/story, kinda trail off and get a horrified look on your face. Like you finally realized the person you were gossiping about is the same person you are talking to.
9. Tell them shit about your bosses that is completely untrue. So when they ask, they look stupid. Like its his birthday and he is turning 50. (Especially funny if they are not even 40 yet).
10. Randomly quote things that make no sense to the conversation.
"M, I need you to go to the fridge and get me some apples"
"Your mother was a hamster and your father stunk of elderberrries! Jesus was the most famous Zombie of all! Am I right ladies? Am i right......lay-dees??"
11. Thank you to Jon for this one:
When someone asks you a question you reply with:
"Are you asking random questions again? Where do babies come from?"
12. My boss is in love with this one right now. Constantly telling the other person they are weird things.
"I need a western omelette"
"You're a western omelette"
"Can someone get me a spoon?"
"You're a spoon"
13. Move shit. I dont mean like move it when you are cleaning up or whatever, I mean, if they slightly turn their head, quickly grab whatever was in front of them and move it 2 feet to the right/left.

Conversation with my son

2007-05-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

S: Mommy, sometimes when i am at Jessie's (babysitter) she lets me go outside. And do you know what i see on the ground Mom? Broken cd's!
M: You know that you are never ever ever pick those up or touch them right?
S: oh yeah. Cuz they are dangerous.
M: Thats right. You dont ever pick up garbage. There are lots of things that could hurt you if you touched them
S: Oh Yeah Mom! Like glass, or sharp plastic.
M: Thats right. You dont go near those. Yoo go find a grown up to clean it up
S: Hey Mom, you know what else is dangerous? That you should never ever ever pick up?
M:What honey?
S: Scorpians

I'll tell you where to put that pineapple!

2007-05-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

So I work at a chain restaurant, still fairly small but its growing. My official title is "Fruiter". Swear to God. I am trying out other titles so if anyone has suggestions, please feel free to offer them.

There is me, N, Maggie-may, T and Sam. First off i am going to say that i love maggie-may and sam. they are awesome. Maggie-may is an older married lady who is just getting back into the workforce and is very quiet and unassuming. Sam just rocks. T is slow and anoying but that i can live with.

My problem is with N.

She is an ass-kisser. And the worst kind. She goes out of her way to get others into trouble to make herself look better. Which i wouldnt mind so much because she really DOES need to look better! She is not god at her job at all.
What bothers me is she tried to get maggie-may into trouble. This nice, sweet quiet woman who wouldnt say "Shit" if her mouth was full of it.

I have debated certain types of revenge to inact on this harpy. So far i have come up with a lot, but they all involved me getting arrested afterwards.

I hate it when people pick on the quiet ones. maggie-may is a doll! And for N to try to get her into shit just makes me want to turn green, burst out of my clothes and go Grindhouse on her.

I am finding it odd that an old flame of mine came out of the woodwork this week. He called me last night and wants me to go visit. Normally my ex's stay ex's. For good reason. I am freaking nuts. Hence them being ex's. :P But this one actually still finds me amusing. I think he has been sniffing glue. The good kind not that shit we had when we were kids. You remember the elephant kind? That looked like honey and came with the shitty red slanty top? Where you would have to jam a pencil in there to try to make the glue come out?
Yeah, not that kind.

Thing # 5 I wanted to say but didnt:

N: Oh Annie! I never noticed you cut it that way before!
Me: Well, its kinda hard to see anything with your head that far up her ass.

On the brightside, I got really pissed at N and threw a container of fruit at her. I should probably work on my interpersonal skills. I am pretty sure fruit container throwing is not on the list of acceptable reactions to a situation.

pudding and......apples??

2007-05-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

Update!
The guy who made me want to cover him in pudding is supposed to be calling me sometime this week for a date. Let's take bets on whether or not this happens. I am sure i am not the only girl who has been promised a call and not gotten one. Only difference is...most girls get the first date.

This yummy looking gentleman who interviewed me for the cooking job......(it was a very distracting interview. I kept picturing myself sitting on his face. Shit, I think i am depraved) is at the restaurant for 3 weeks! i thought the interview was difficult to get through! I cut myself! And all becasue he happened to look and speak while i was trying to cut an apple. oh! What a look! It was deep. It was intense. It was magnetic. I dont remember what he was talking about, but i think it had something to do with getting a new bucket of sanitizer.

All the skin is peeling off my hands from those damn kiwis. Who knew when you peeled 50 of them, that the acid would not be good for you? I took a WHMIS test. My god. I mean seriously. My God. How stupid are people that this has become mandatory? One lady (god love her, shes fun and shit, but how did she not know this??), had no clue that mixing bleach and ammonia would cause you to make a really bad thing? That could KILL you??
Oh well. I had 4 people copy off of my test thing. So i know at least 5 of us passed. I cant speak for the others.

The snow is gone. And that makes me smile.

full plate

2007-05-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

i started my new job todaybut what happened to the crappy rogers job?
oh dont worry boys and girls, i am still doing that one

new job:

Cora's Breakfast and Lunch. Pretty self explantory.

I will post more about it once i have gotten rid of this headache.

Staring at a powerpoint presentation for 6 hours will give anyone a headache.

Ottawa won. Super excited about that.

A man is in an aquarium and says to the Tour guide "where are all the octopussies?"
She replies "sir, its octopi"
"Oh. I always get my pussies and pies mixed up"

The List

2007-05-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

So I was reading another blog and i discovered that it can be very theraputic to make a List of all the things about your ex that drove you nuts. And in moments of weakness, to read said list to remind you why they are 'ex'. So in the efforts of trying to 'get over him', (which i have so far been doing a fantastic job doing by 1. sleeping with a new guy 2. flirting with a new guy and 3. flirting with one of his friends that i used to date a looooooooong time ago) i have decided to do:

My reason's why I now hate Cheater McFucknuts aka Ryan R.

1. Well, he cheated on me. With a twinkie. With a younger twinkie that he is the boss of at work. which brings me to
2. No boundaries. This guy could not understand that i needed some 'me' time. It always had to be 'us' time. Surprisingly 'us' time always turned into 'us' spending time at his friends houses where he could smoke weed and leave me to sit alone counting how many rose clusters there were on the wallpaper in a room 12x14x20. With 3 large for every 2 feet and 6 small. Minus the 2 doors and one window.
3. he hated peas. Who the fuck hates peas? They come in a cool litle carrying case! The snap when you bite into them! They are green and healthy!
4. He hated soup and sandwiches. Which pretty much fucked any and all lunch plans or dates we could have ever gone on
5. He hated how i was smarter than him at some things. And felt the need to constantly put me down for it. He tried so desparately to show he could match my intelligence by touting facts about crap that he knows. Unfortunately no one gives a hooker's skanky crotch care for what the mayans did in times of war for hygiene. Excet maybe the mayans. And they're all dead. So obviously what they were doing didnt work so well
6. He pouted. There is nothing more sad in this world than seeing a 29 year old man pouting. I mean full blown bottom lip sticking out, arms crossed whiny sulk pouting. I suppose it didnt help matters that when he did this i laughed at him and told him he looked like a 3 yr old.
7. Bragged about things that he should not have bragged about, Like his ratty ass jeep which was totally falling apart and had no brakes and stalled if you took your foot off the gas pedal (which led to some tricky times when driving in the city). Goooooood lord, you would think that no one in the WHOLE world had a better jeep than him.
8. Bad breath. All the time.
9. Ugly ass tattoos that can qualify as #7 also. Looked like a Taiwan hooker on crack did those right after she got her arm re-attached following a bad guerilla attack.
10. Almost, but not quite did what i like during sex. I think that was more frustrating. That he was almost there, but not quite. So i always wondered if THIS was the day he would do EXACTLY what i liked.
11. Put down my accomplishments. And since there are so few of them, it would have been nice to have had some appreciation
12. Had a threesome with my best friends g/f. Not cool. I dont care you didnt know who she was at the time. So not cool
13. Always got drunk and made me drive his ass around. Oh Brooke and Joe, I am so sorry one of your grooms men decided to pass out in the parking lot at 10 PM on your wedding day. Thats just the way he is:
14. selfish. wow. i mean holy shit. His momma gave him an unreasonable expectation of how awesome he is. So he expects things. He is not awesome. Not even close. Not even in a Macauley Culkin used to be awesome back in '92 kinda way. I mean, pathetic attempt at a human being awesome. Like MC Hammer. Or Jewel.
15. Downloaded spyware on my laptop. Fucker
16.Thought those pop-up ads (You are the one millionth person to visit ths site! Click here for your prize!) were real and had himself and his family convinced he had won a trip to Jamaica. Was very argumentative when i explained in detail how stupid he was. I did not say stupid, but i suppose it may have been implied. Dumbass
17. Abanodened my kid who had grown to love him over the 2 years we were together. I wanted to put this as #1, but it still bothers me and i dont want to talk about it
18. His face is not that attractive. Unless you like Shar-peis. Those wrinkly dogs where their faces are all screwed up. He always thought of himself as being handsome. When he told me this, I laughed so hard i think i saw through time.
19. Owes me a lot of money still . I dont think i am going to see that. Besides, i think he will need it more than i will. Antibiotics are expensive. When you date a kitchen whore, dont be surprised when the doc says "You have an infection in your penis." God i hope it hurts and oozes.
20. No sense of humour. None. he thought he was so funny. I dont think in 2 years the guy ever made me split a gut laughing.

Okay. Thats not too bad. I enjoyed that. I think it really did make me feel better. Looks like Cosmo can be right about some stuff besides "14 ways to make your lover crave you from across the ocean while on vacation with your family and pets".

Something witty about ducks.

2007-04-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

So I go to Fanshawe today to get my student card ( I seem to have misplaced the last one..again). And what do i see in the smoking section? Under a table?

<---This! My phone doesnt take the best pics so let me explain it to you. It is a duck. In a nest it seems to have built for itself out of newspaper and ciagrette butts.

I shit you not. This really grossed me out. I wonder if the baby duckies will have congenital defects? Or quack like Janis Joplin?

Either way, you have to wonder about the situation our environment is in when ducks find the rattyass butts from cigareetes appropriate material in which to build their nest. Maybe someone should call DAS and report her. This seems to be a good indication that she will not provide a good home for her babies.

Fanshaw is not only aware of this duck but she comes every year! Once the babies are born they snow fence her in and put a pool in there too. I will try to get a better camera and take pics and time goes on. I want to make sure i document any bruises or broken limbs on the babies.......just in case.

mmmmmmm

2007-04-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met someone and without getting to know them terribly well, you just want to strip them naked and cover them in pudding?
Last night Jon and I went to the Brass to watch the hockey game (which was fantastic i might add even thought the Sens blew a 4-0 lead. We still won hee hee!) and Jon proceeded to get slightly shall we say......snookered? He is very amusing when like this.

I saw a gentleman that made me want to do dirty naughty things to him. Things that can only be described properly in German. (*note: whenever in a porn store i have noticed that all the good stuff only has packaging in german. At least i assume its the good stuff. I can't read german. So i have now equated all things naughty with german)
I just want to slather him in pudding and lick it all off.

I am not depraved.

I just really think that 2 of my favourite things should somehow come together in an existential harmony that benefits both my libido and my stomach. Pudding and sex. Doesn't that sound delicious?

My wonderful friend Haley was nice enough to pass along my phone number as i had to take Jon home. She was also terrific enough to mention to my little wet dream about my thing with the pudding. One can only hope that he is a cool kitty and thinks that it sounds as fantastic as i do.

well then.....

2007-04-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

Jon and I went downtown
Jon and I ate sushi
Jon and I went to the library
Jon and i left the library
Jon got a seatbelt ticket by 2 bicycle cops
Jon owes the city of london $110
Jon went home to have a nap
Jon is in a bad mood

The Sens better win tonight.

Double damn and no take backs!

2007-04-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

I am unprofessional! ME! ME! Can you believe that? Can you wrap your little minds around the fact the today I was called unprofessional! By someone I have never even met!
How is calling people 'potato face and cowboy' unprofessional? Or asking them to buy me a pony for my birthday? Geez! This world is fucked up.

So i decided, with the fact that i need a constant income in which to buy pixie sticks and porn, to become MORE PROFESSIONAL.
You know what the reaction of every single person i talked to was??

I SEEMED DEPRESSED!

See, this is what happened: (And i know this because i took a scociology class once.)
I have been working at the Whinybaby Cesspool for almost 7 weeks now. And I have acted how i always act. Like me. I am a joy if i do say so myself. I have been described as
-weird
-eccentric
-animated
-unusual
-someitmes slightly unbalanced

Dont i sound interesting?

So these weinies have gotten used to how i talk and act. Some of them didnt like it and went to their boss and complained.
Now, they are all wondering where the hell i got a frontal lobotomy in such a short time.
So i am torn as to what to do now. Do i go back to how i was before or keep doign the whole professional thing? I gotta tell ya, after 4 hours i started to feel really sick to my stomach. No wonder normal people look so uptight all the time. It was very exhausting trying to be normal.

blow that breeze back the way it came

2007-04-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

So i just watched Speed. And you know what i realized? Over the past eleventy-hump years i have been so distracted by Keanu Reeves' good looks that i didnt notice what a godawful actor he is.
When you take all the CGI out (Matrix) and blowing stuff up (Constantine), you are left with Speed. A horrible attempt at crap. It aspires to be crap. It is so far below crap that mushrooms wont even grow on it.
I think Keanu's best film was probably Bill & Ted. Every character he has played since is a version of that trying to play another character. It's like watching an elephant trying to be a dildo while dancing like an irishman. Just doesnt work at all.

Last Weekend of freedom

2007-04-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend past was the last one i have off until august. I went back to Kincardine. Wonderful weather, got to see a lot of my friends and had a good tequila induced night on Sat. Some points of rememberance:

-okay, i cant remember anything. Apparently I texted Haley some nonsense. I seem to have forgotten what inspired that aside from the obvious Mexican concoctions.

I am going to ramble about a few things that have pissed me off this past week.

The dude who killed all those people at Virginia Tech? He isnt 'rising up from the grave to steal more time away from the victims'. That would be the media playing his shit over and over and over and over again. I am sick of watching it. I get it. He was fucked in the head. No need to analyze him anymore.

Again with the fat people epidemic talk. The Toronto Star just did a 3 day exclusive about that damn stomach stapling thing. Is this really a good idea? To staple someone's stomach so they can only eat a little then be full? Isnt that the surgical equivalent of a DIET? Wouldnt it just be less intrusive and painful to, oh i dont know, not eat that much?

Talked with Mr. Q. He didnt find my retrospective of our naked adventures that amusing. Perhaps for my next blog i should go into more detail. About the sizes of certain things. Like ears........yeah he has big..........ears! He said he is not the 'yelling and moaning' type. I have no problem with that. It was the weird lack of direction that i found.....disconcerting. Wouldnt mind trying him out again if onl to see if i could figure out a way to make it work. Like shadow puppets or a harnass! Like a pony! Oh, wouldnt that be just delicious? I will attach a harnass to Mr. Q so he will know when and what and how i like certain things! And when we are done i shall give him a carrot.

The guy I have been schtupping is being very hot-cold-hot-cold. I know i am just a convenience for him. Which is fine as he is the same to me. I wonder if he knows that??? Females can have schtup out of convenience too. Most guys think they are SO fantastic that females would just LOVE to have a relationship with them. Perhaps the next time we are schtupping i should say "Thank you come again!" when we are through and give him a coupon for a free slurpee.

I interpreted for a job orientation for one of my friends. The only thing more boring than a wal-mart orientation is having to sit through it and not actually be working there. I mean, does anyone really give a tiny rats ass about the owner's life history? And I will mention that there are certain words that dont have signs and are very difficult to translate. How do you explain to a deaf person that 'the popular culture impact of wal-mart transcends any other company today"? Or that 'integrity is like an egg'?

Reason #2 why you never put money in your mouth:

Jon had an interesting weekend involving people poo-ing on $5 bills and watching to see who would pick them up and keep them. He told me the story and i was torn between wanting to vomit and throwing a parade for whomever thougt this up. I dont know how much money they actually went through, but Jon said it was worth it. I think if we bring back the dollar bill, we will see a lot more of this.

Which brings me to reason #1, the strip bar downtown lost their license for booze. Because someone pissed off some cops. I am always impressed with huge displays of authority but i am super pissed that i have to go a lot father now to see some titties.

the things you want to say part 1

2007-04-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

K: I think we need a break. I need some time to think
ME: Oh. Okay
What i REALLY wanted to say: You huge jerkwad! You have no idea how awesome i am and how i am WAY too good for you! You are a committment phobe and that is no way to go through life. Bite me.

Bank: We can't give you a loan based on your previous history of debt
Me: Okay thanks for your time
WIRWTS: How the hell am i supposed to get OUT of debt without this loan? Its called a CONSOLIDATION loan for a reason! Douchebags.

Any phone person ever: Can I put you on hold?
Me: Sure, no problem
WIRWTS: Fuck you! Like i dont have anything else to do but sit and wait for YOU! Who the HELL are you? Last i looked the fate of the free world did not depend on you answering that call!

Twinkies: *wiggle wiggle bounce bounce hair-flip eyelash flutter*
Me: *gag*
WIRWTS: Get the fuck out of the gym you sad little strippers in training! I have no use for you! You disgust me! Douchebags.

The Twinkie Defense

2007-04-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

Judge: Miss Mischief you have been charge with the assault of 15 girls. What say you?
M: Well your honour, I choose to use the 'twinkie' defense
Judge: Please explain
M: Your honour, I go to the gym on a regular basis. I would like to put into evidence a picture of the work out clothes I wear. You will notice it is a t-shirt, jogging pants and running shoes. I wear no make up and my hair is in a pony tail
Judge: Get to the point!
M: You honour, I have reached my limit! I go to this gym to try and make myslef healthier and more fit. I put into evidence pictures of what they look like. You wil notice a common theme. They dress like twinkies. Shorty shorts, obviously not comfortable with their ass cheeks hanging out, halter tops with obscene amounts of cleavage, make-up and hairsprayed hair perfectly done for the bar. One can only assume they are at the gym to 'catch a man'.
If I would be allowed to vent for a moment your honour, you will understand my point:
These girls will take up limited gym equipment for lengthy periods of time on the lowest speed available. They do not sweat. They could perhaps use the defense of being aliens with no sweat glands, but I know better. They do not want to mess up their hair or make up. They parade around with bottles of designer water while the rest of us are sweating buckets down our faces. I think I speak for all serious members when i say that they make us feel like crap and we are sick of their prostitute attitudes and colour co-ordinated outfits.
I had to do it your honour. For the good of all of us who are serious at this
Judge: Yes Miss Mischief, but did you have to give them ALL atomic wedgies?
M: I did not give them all atomic wedgies your honour, as some of them weren't even wearing underwear. And the others were wearing g-strings. I did the best I could under the circumstances.
Judge: I see your point. I declare you not guilty in the eyes of the court but still sentence you to go to the Gap and buy better work out clothes. You will never catch a man wearing a t-shirt and jogging pants.

Oh is it Friday? And it's the 13th? Huh.

2007-04-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

And here i thought it was going to be a good day. I went to my college and paid my tuition fees. This was a bit touchy as I was 10 days late doing it so i wasnt entirely certain they would let me. But they did. I took this as a sign of good things to come.

What the hell was i thinking? I mean, I have met me. I have lived in this body and this life for almost 28 years now. What on earth made me think i would have a good day?

Went to the gym and had a adequate work out. Afterwards went into my car, lit a smoke and proceeded to get rear ended. My car moved 2 feet. I whacked my head off the steering wheel. I have a huge bump on my head.

Come home. Phone rings. I answer it. It is work, so you know this will be good.

I asked Q to work 7am to 10am for me. (I would come in at 10 and work until 8pm) She said it was no problem. However she then went to my boss and bitched about how i was trying to force her to take my shift. So i now have to do it anyway.

Phone rings.

Since my OSAP got completely and royally buggered for this semester, the NATIONAL STUDENT LOAN OFFICE aka The Nazi Brigade of Repayment says i have to start repaying my loans May 31 to the tune of $395 a month. Even though i am a full time student. Paying tuition. And rent. And food and bills and gas and daycare. Working a part time job.

It's only 4 pm!!!

I expect for the rest of the day for the following things to happen:
-an elephant to sit on my foot and break it
-the hydro to go out and all the food in my fridge to waste; what little there is of it
-a small fire centralized entirely on just my clothes
-a bird to kamikaze into my window and die on my balcony. Again. (This happened 2 summers ago. I wasnt entirely certain what to do with the body. So i threw it off my balcony. Don't worry, I made sure there was no one underneath.)
-a parking ticket
-find out i got someone pregnant. Now i know this is physiologically impossible, but hey! It's me! And if it's bad, it will happen.

On the brightside, I got asked on a date.
Well, not so much a date as a 'he needs to go to a wedding 2 hours away and doesnt have a car and could you please drive me even if that means you have to be my date' date. Doesnt that sound romantic? Doesnt it just want to make you vomit chocolate hearts?

Crappiest Job in the World

2007-04-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Oh children gather 'round for a tale i shall spin of the Crappiest Job in the World'.
I have mentioned before what it is I do. But let's get into specifics shall we?
630am I go into work and sit my ass at a computer. I make myself comfortable as I will be there for 14.5 hours. I open up the files that let me see what sad degenerates could not possibly live without tv for one more day and start to organize 'runs' for up to 30 guys. This is where it gets complicated.
London, St. Thomas, Woodstock,Cambridge, Guelph, Kitchener, Waterloo, Brantford, Stratford and a bunch of little ass towns in between these make up what I have to organize. Oh, but there is more! There is a difference between basic calls (installs of internet, cable), service (fixing this shit when it goes bad) and RHP (phone). Now the RHP guys can do basic, service and RHP. Some service guys can do RHP and service, but the Basic guys can only do Basic. You following so far?
Now, there are night techs and day techs. An RHP can only do 2 RHP calls in one time frame. (They are broken up into MORN< MID< AFT< NGT. Sometimes, there are AM's and PM's and DAY calls) A service and basic can do 4 calls in one time frame. BUT an RHP can do one RHP and 2 service/basic calls. But only for their desinated shifts (night or day).

Here's where it gets REALLY fun.

If for some weird reason you have managed to figure all this crap out, our mighty overlord tells us in the morning exactly how many of what specific type of tech may go to any town at any given point in time. So in a busy city like Kitchener we may only have 1 RHP guy. Which makes it fun if we have 4 gazillion RHP calls.

Now, all this being said, and i havent managed to lose my mind trying to figure this crap out.....over the course of the day i get some of these techs BITCHING at me. Because i had the audacity to not realize that they live in Guelph, but i sent them to Waterloo. Fuck me! What a horrible person I am!
Over the day, extra calls are sent in and i have to try and give them to an appropriate person who is qualified to do that specific job.

So they will call me nasty names and insult my parentage. They will threaten to make me lose my job and make my life miserable. They will bitch about what a horribly long day they have had (8 hours) and whine to go home at EVERY oppurtunity. Yet not realize that after they go home i still have to sit there for 6.5 more hours!!

There is so much more to this job, like making sure all the runs are in a certain part of town and calling customers who dont speak any english. Sitting in a chair for a prolonged period of time in a room with no window, no tv, radio or internet, and no decorations at all. It is a white room. Thats it. A white freaking room.

And now there is construction going on in the office so i cant hear a goddamn thing when these buggers call me on the phone to complain that i gave them another call to complete before their shift ends in 4 hours.
Which i suppose is not a bad thing. Except for the horrible headache i have had for the past 3 days.

The end of all things

2007-04-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

A father whose son was hung in a washroom, asphyxiated and died is campaigning to have a Dairy Queen commercial pulled off the air. It shows 2 boys being hung up on hooks by their underwear (a la atomic wedgie). DQ said in deference to their understanding of that specific families tragedy they would stop showing it in South western Ontario. The faher says this is not enough and it must be pulled entirely.

Are you freaking kidding me? I mean, are we serious about this?
There are certain places that we must never go even for the almighty buck. Making fun of the holocaust, african americans in the 50-70's, JFK, Jim jones etc. But this is because hundreds, thousands and sometimes millions of lives were affected by tragedy.

But to pull a commercial because one family is distraught?? What if we start pandering to everyone who has a problem with advertisements?

-The hilariously funny Mac-Pc ones get pulled because the PC guy reminds someone of the father who molested them?
-McDonalds has to stop because they do not understand the plight of people who have severe phobias of clowns
-All car commercials because it is insulting to the blind
-Tim Hortons because someone's mother died from a sever allergic reaction to caffeine

Have we become such a society where the mental happiness of one supercedes the happiness of the masses? ( I am not saying that advertisements make anyone happy, but we have all had a good chuckle at one time. And they do provide a service no matter how annoying. How else would you know where to buy that pair of glasses on sale?)
That boy dying is a tragedy. I understand that the family must feel awful watching that commercial. But one has to remember.....
They did not make that commercial based on that boys death! A team of people thought long and hard and did a lot of research into that commercial. They obviously found enough people during their testing that would enjoy it.
It would not surprise me if we find out that this father eventually sues DQ for mental anguish or some other such crap. And then perhaps we will know the real reason for his pitching a fit.

Have we become so self involved that a simple commercial will ruin our lives? Because it insults us or reminds us of somethign awful? Have we gone so far into the hole of 'I am the most important' that we completely ignore that these things are not directed at us personally?

When i read that article i was disgusted. Instead of taking that commercial and using it as an example for his fight against 'useless' deaths, he instead decides to fight to have it removed. Ignoring that 'useless' deaths happen all the time. He ironically brougt more attention to the commercial than it otherwise would have gotten. It would have lived its life and passedinto obscurity in a few weeks. Now people are going to go out of their way to watch it.How the hell does that help his cause?

Or, he could just not watch the damn tv. Last i looked their were no commercials in a freaking book.

Third Day of Training

2007-03-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

"M, dont ever click on that blue button!"
"Why? What will happen?"
"It doesnt matter. Just dont ever click on it"
"Okay. I got that. But what happens if you click on the blue button?"
"M! I said it doesnt matter. You will never know if you dont click on it"
" I get that! But i want to know what would happen in case it is clicked. I mean how can i fix the problem if i dont know what the problem is?"
"M, are you a dummy? Are you listening to me? Don't click on it and you wont have to fix any problems"
(I asked the other trainer guy. ou know why we are not allowed to click on the blue button? Because if you do, it closes the program. He says then you just have to re-open it. No big deal)

"L, how do i move the appt from this installer back to us?"
"Why?"
"Because the installer asked me to do it"
"You just move it back"
"Yeah, i know. How?"
"You just move it"
"I know i have to move it. What specific buttons do i have to click on to move it?"
"Just click on it and move it"
"MOVE IT WHERE? WHERE DO I MOVE IT TO?"
"Back to us"
"Where is the 'us' part of the program i can move it to?"
"Oh, the little window that says QRT 33. How do you not know that? I think you are a really big dummy. How did you get this job?"

This is exciting

2007-03-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

Okay here it is....My first day at my new job complete WITH PICTURES!!!

I am now a dispatch operator for a large company that owns everything including the Queen's underwear. One of the things they do is cable. Tv, internet, HDTV crap etc.

I work in a room 12 feet by 12 feet. No window. Completely white walls with no decoration. No radio, tv, or anthing exciting to lok at other than my own belly button.

I sit at a desk and tell about 30 guy swhere they need to go. Literally. I text message and talk on the phone. I schedule the guys appt's for the day. Doesnt that sound THRILLING?

No? Well here's the thrilling part. And in order to properly express it i will use an incident that happened.

2 weeks ago my trainer-lady Q scheduled K for 10 jobs one day. K decided he didnt want to leave town and refused all 10 jobs. (Lets keep in mind these guys get paid piece work. The more jobs the more money). Q reported him to his supervisor where he was suspended for one week. This did not endear K to Q at all.

So my first day started off with Q giving K his jobs for the day. He sent a text : Why did you over book me?

Q: I did not overbook you. In fact you have room for 4 more jobs

K: Screw you. You are lying to me

Some time later another job came in and Q gave it to K.

K: when did this job come in?

Q: Right now

K: You are lying to me again. I hate it when you lie. You suck.

Q is understandably angry at this.

Q: Well if he wants to be a prick, lets show him ow much of a prick I can be. (As she smiles evillish-ly)

Q then takes away most of his London jobs. And gives him this schedule:

London, Woodstock, Stratford, London, St. Thomas, Woodstock, London.

These guys get paid squat for travel time so they really want a bunch of jobs in one area.

He gets angry and then quits.

So the general rule of this job is: Be nice to the dispatch person. We can seriously fuck you over. Q tells me that not all the guys seem to realize this and treat us like crap. Even after we screw with their schedules. They dont like the fact that a woman is telling them what to do and where to go. Some guys just dont learn.

Here are some fantastic pics of my first day:

The magical box of kleenex that grants wishes. The cell phone that our OVERLORD provides. They all look the same. And i have exact same one. So you can imagine the confusion.

The grapes I was offered. The very very very sweet tea that I was also offered. I drank it. Not too bad.

The age of Wisdom

2007-03-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

This is a rant about the double standard. Gee, what a shock! A female complaining about the double standard! Again, to those i say: "Shut up. Go get your own blog".

I am a 27 year old single female. I have a healthy outlook on sex. Which I mean to say is that I enjoy sex. I find it invigorating and relaxing all at the same time. I do not want sex for attention, validation or any other neurosis. I just plain out enjoy the company of a well mannered man who can appreciate the fun we can have together. Preferably naked.

I do not make it a habit to sleep with every guy i could. I have standards; I have to be attracted to them physically and mentally. I do not sleep with dummies. I do not make it a habit to sleep with guys i just met. (Though in itself, it does have some perks. I am not saying I have never done it, just that it has lost its appeal as i have gotten older). I always use protection and never trust them at their word that 'they are clean'.
I do not sleep with men to make myself feel better. To make myself feel wanted, needed, sexually attractive etc. I do not do it for dares, jokes or money. I do not do it for revenge.

And yet, even after all of this, I am still labelled a slut. How can this be? I don't deserve to have the company of someone unless i am married or at least in a relationship? I cannot have a good time with another consenting adult?
If a woman speaks knowledgably about sex, speaks her mind, is open about what she wants and needs, she is thrown into the same slut pile as those who do it for a drink. I have a friend who says i am 'obssesed' with sex. I have tried to explain to him that perhaps he is mistaken as to the exact meaning of that word. I am not 'obssesed'. I have an interest. It does not rule my life nor does it affect my life. Just because i vocalize when i am attracted to someone, or comment on how a person makes me feel does not mean that sex rules my life. It is an important part of my life. But i do not equate it with food or water. I can live without it.

I also take major offense at people who suggest that because i enjoy sex, it somehow makes me a bad mother. How exactly does this work? My son is not around when any of this happens. I am responsible! When the situation arises, and it does, i will turn down sex becasue my son is at home. Ragradless of the fact he is sleeping and will not even know, I do not feel that it is appropriate at all.

Should we relegate this topic to the closet of "that which must not be named"?
Why is it so difficult to have an adult conversation about sex without people targeting you as a pervert? Or obssesed?

And here is where the double standard comes in. If i was male, would anyone care? Would people look at me like I am bad person? Or a whore?
Not at all. Men are expected to talk about sex. They are the 'alpha', it is part of the historically proven genetic lineage. They need to procreate to prove themselves. (I am not terribly fond of this ideal, but it does hold some merit)

So even in the advanced society of equalities, women are still not allowed to act like they enjoy the act of sex.
We are still judged by the antiquated harlequin romance novel bodice rippers, where if a woman flashed her ankles she was branded a 'harlot'.
I know women who still find it 'disgusting' and 'wrong' that a woman may pleasure herself.
I think we are our own worst enemies. But that is a blog for another day.

I'm a-coming baby!

2007-03-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

Been awhile since my last post. Here's the updates:
St. Patty's day
-got very drunk. On tequila. I know that is not terribly Irish but screw you! It's how i roll.
-got into a fight with a deafy. Always an interesting experience. Especially when you are drunk on tequila.
-got hit on by a creepy old man. No amount of tequila would make him attractive, so no worries there
-found out my friend Merry is considering sleeping with his skanky ass ex. I forbade him to do so unless he treats her like a hooker and does dirty nasty things to her, throws $20 at her and then kicks her out.
-Merry then told me i wasnt very lady-like and I should work on that.

-I get no OSAP for the summer. So je suis screwed.
-Had 2 job interviews today. I am hoping so badly for the one it's all i can do not to pee my pants. Such a sweet sweet job. I would get to boss people around! I excel at that! Just ask any guy I have ever dated.
-Spoke to my father for the first time in 7 1/2 years. Was told: "It would have been better for you to have been scraped out of your mothers uterus with a rusty coat hanger then grow up to be the disappointment you are now". Obviously, this filled me with feelings of rainbows and kittens. Gosh I love my dad.
-Had a parent teacher interview. This is an odd feeling fr me as i remember my mom having to do this for me as a kid. It was weird. Very surreal. I had to sit in one of those wee little chairs, which surprisingly enough i found comfortable. This also filled me with feelings of weirdness.
-Having a pretty good time with my boy candy. Frustrates the hell out of me he does, but he gave me french fries. Which in my world is freaking romantic. I love food.

And this sums up my week pretty nicely.

Nonsense at 4 am

2007-03-16T00:37:00.000-07:00

So it is the middle of the night and i yet again cannot sleep. I have gotten into the weirdest sleep pattern lately and the end result is me up watching the People's Court at 3:05 am.

It is amazing the types of random thoughts that run through your head when you are alone, bored, lonely and slightly tired.

-Is it possible to be happy alone? Is this all life has to offer? Fleeting moments of happiness interspersed with cloying depresive apathy?

-How many times do I have to play Lotto 649 before I win? And what would i do with the money? I have given much thought to this. Lets say i win $1 000 000 000.
I will buy a car, a house, a cottage. I will donate some to charity. I will buy Jon and Merry cars. I will get Jake a really cool toy for deafies. Like a special stereo that flashes cool lights or something. I would get a pony, just cuz it's cool.
But mostly I would get special cards made up for all the people that have ever pissed me off and inside would put a picture of the things i would have gotten for them if only they weren't such huge douche bags.

-If you had a nose infection, would it not be easier to snort antibiotics?

-Is it better for me to get my cat a friend to play with or get her knocked up? She is very depressed after Cheater McFucknuts took his cat away.

-Will I ever meet a guy who will put up with me?
I know I am difficult to get along with sometimes. But aside from my utter lack of knowledge on how to make coffee, i have some redeeming qualities. I am everything guys claim to like, but in actuality dont really want. I am independant, strong, funny, smart etc. I can crack an egg with one hand and not break the yolk. I can watch a hockey game and know what is going on. I make very nice french toast. I know how to drive a stick shift. I kill my own spiders if they need killing. Or otherwise can give them a stern talking to if thats what is needed. I can origami cranes and frogs, knit a scarf, and tell you all the characters on star wars and star trek.
I like steak rare, very rare. And i would never ask if my lipstick matched my shoes.
So what is wrong?
Why are guys not beating down my door? (Which by the way, I know how to fix as i have my own tools).

So many people have told me to be patient. That one day someone will come along who will be everything i need and want. Well patient doesn give me that many orgasms. Patient doesnt rub my back and slap my ass.

I swear to God, if i ever meet a guy named Patient, that would be very ironic.